http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1rDaLugULcg

so what
they tell me to bury you
stuff you in an envelope

I've been trying to write my rapture
for almost a year now
it's felt like jerking at a lawnmower
the sputtering coughs of the engine
blue balling me
jerking and jerking
until my shoulder dislocates

see? see how funny that is?
remember when I dislocated my shoulder?
do you know why that happened?

and then I'll hold the cord in my teeth
pulling and writhing, waiting for the neck to go next

that's how it always is with these girls
my girls

they told me to bury you
you are making me sick now

but that's how it is

Alex and I sat at a poetry show
crying over the cords around our necks

He and I have promised each other so many times
that we could give our nails the slip

I've got a special metal plate vrrrring behind my eyes

and I am seeing the pattern
that "CRAAAAZY" seems to be the minus to my plus

I give, you take

And when Alex and I were
on the phone the other day
comparing the threads
tightdressing our throats

I said

The worst feeling
is that you have to know
about the choke

I am absolutely sure
that you can tell
when you've slapped me into a tailspin

I'm trying to figure out

how big my slice of your day is
when you've ecclipsed mine
does a crying, chainsmoking Emanuel
ever come up on shuffle

does it ever cloud you, even a little bit
how horrible
how terrible

I'm too scared of death to keep secrets
It's why I write poems so much

It's why I can't pretend
that certain things are not precious to me

and if I could eat potatoes
and be happy
then spuds it would be

but it's only knives that
keep my dick hard
these days

trying to follow the pieces back
to find out where this shit came from

but in the mean time
I am lonely
and I like sharp girls

and you are gutting
ripping through
idling time until your Big Love
can come and satisfy you

until then, I guess
you can unstring me, curious, bored
and peek at the insides of my skin

and blush the color of my blood
covering your cheeks and teeth

treat every piece of my quaking heart
like a sunflower seed

what am I to you

BBB

tired of all these white girls
looking at me like I look at all
the other black boys

seems to me this complex
is psuedo oedipus shit
I constantly reevaluate
but still I can't get rid of it

I make eye contact
with the shorties I pass
inside and out of class

testing my self esteem
stretching to see if
me is as attractive as I think I is

but when I pass niggas
eyes hit the floor
like shit
dont even talk to them

and it is
kinda ridiculous
cauz I just wanna kick it
but I can't bring myself
to strike up conversation

pretentious
kid what you waiting ferr
scared that they gon judge you
like you be be judgin them

everything is a challenge
cant think of nothin to say to him
but in the mean time
you just fine
with them light
boys and girls

dont na'an one of them kiddies care bout you
listen to yr own words

On a moment to moment
I pray that it won't hit
but I still get the feeling of threat
it's emotional physical
grossly cyclical
and I swear I fucking hate it

I love but don't like you
and here I dwell
with people who feeling the inverse
towards me, trust me, their teeth
dwell under the pleasant smiles
and hand-down words

One too many niggers got spit
one too many nerves got hit
but I'm so scared of being alone
I muffle the surge in my bones that says

"You better tell these niggas where you came from
the course of making Harriet run
show them Angela, show them Malcolm,"
instead I show them Carlton

"What you be listenin to Saul for?
What you read James Bald' for?"

Oh, to say you did
when someone ask why you only be w/ white kids
sooth your conscious
boy be honest
if you hate your nest just say the shit
play Are You My Mother with skin
and dont be surprised when you get that SNORT
HA You must be good at sports
You would excell at physical work
I know you aint get your feelings hurt
sike, you know we was joking right?
WRONG
Word to my nigga Demi
I'll be goddamned if I let them send me
off like that
you den lost yr shit
if you think I'm finna get ran like this

I'M MAD INDIGNANT RIGHTEOUS STRENGTHENED
I'M BEGINNING TO TIGHTEN MY FISTS
OPEN MY THROAT, TO LET THEM KNOW THAT THAT IS IT
THEY AINT NEVER DEALT WITH THIS
THAT'S WHY THEY'ON WANNA UNDERSTAND IT
BUT THEY GON GET IT NOW, BOY
nigga calm down you know you ain't gon do shit

why are you so scared of yourself

because I think they are too

+

going to have nails all over my body
clinging to this
clawing against
dug in deep
coursing
pumping
sending
planting

so when I am sucked out

there'll be my name
if not the letters
then the blood of it

I love you so much

that's all I can think
when the empty peeks its head around at night
like "nigga...any time."

casting a light
blazing everything temporary and hollow
like "don't you have enough of that?"

and yeah. I do. so that's why I haven't committed
to this rot in light speed to dirt gross shit.

I just.

I just don't fucking have time for it.

and all I can think

is I love you
and I want to show it to you

that's all I can think.

IS

http://www.zshare.net/audio/65098329eefa3622/

I can make you like
I can't make you love me

I can make you call
I can't make you listen
when my side starts
that is when the conversation ends

it's cool
I love hearin you
the sway in yr voice is like soup in my chest

you are the ruler
for the back of my hands

a fleeting projection
of what it'd look like to stand
if this skeleton
could muscle and bless

I wouldn't know what I was saying
even given a sentence

I haven't earned
the apples you lay
so the worms in their means
are only natural, I say

when the fire tilts toward
my unwitting face
and burns tears out
it was my fault, okay

my eyes perspire
till my chest is too tired
to heave any harder
alright, I'll try higher

you are the hook from the mire
lifting me into the sun
burn comes with the light
I understand
it's required
must

I can make you like
I can't make you love me


I can make you touch
I can't make you trust me
every crumb of white truth
is considered swollen lucky

I'd do anything to keep this stream
from rupturing
every sweet I gleam from your mouth
is a blessing

I can keep my mouth,
but not my eyes from running
I know the edge is coming
my indent will be sucked in

leaving vague prints
fragile frame of comparison

I just wish you could look me in my eyes
before I'm washed sand from your life
instead I've got text and a slight

cold feeling that I'll be gone with the night

til a day becomes week a week becomes a month
and years disppear in the wake of what is coming

for your wide open beautiful eyes
I am just a step
you are the bar

There's always other boys
there's always other boyfriends

There's always other girls
there's always other girlfriends

I'm just a needy kid
you are on yr grown shit

It's out of my control
It is what it is

[boys and girls in america]

black joex

I can't believe this motherfucker just said some shit like that to me I should have squashed it last time this is so embarassing oh godddd I cant look him in the eyes or her or him how can they not see how humiliating this is I thought you were better or at least knew better my face is burning you do NOT know me like that get up get up let them know dont let this happen again again again but what if things get awkward what if makes it weird between everyone I dont want to feel even more alone dont want to be touchy black guy just want to be one of the guys clearly I am not one of the fucking guys and should not want to be get up god damn it I hate being alone I miss them so much if they were here they would tell you what to do she would tell you what you know you should do it is not worth it shit is only going to get harder get up now or dont ever say shit let them know let them know

they think I am still sitting here
because I don't care

they are wrong

but the opportune moment is
a car speeding off

my thoughts need to catch up
I need to catch up

I am going to catch up to it
claw onto the trunk
climb up to the roof
and rip that shit off

please don't say anything like that ever again