the sky is colored like a dead person
we're all inside
i'm upstairs
thinking about all the ways i don't want to die
i'm in the kitchen on september 21st
i've broken straight-edge september
for the first time since september 11
i'm too high
crying and screaming about troy davis
dave is agreeing with me
talking to him is comforting
he doesn't really say anything
when i compare it to september 11
there is/was a man
i read about on cnn.com
who was trying to get DNA evidence tested
from murders he says he did not commit
(his wife, i think, was assaulted,
skull crushed,
that is a way i do not want to die,
and two other persons were murdered by a human
three fatalities)
the judge refused to DNA test
he was scheduled to be executed on wednesday
but was trying desperately
to get the mazes of the law
to let him keep his human life
it's saturday now,
i haven't checked to see if he's dead yet
i did tweet about it
the sky is colored like a dead person
we're all inside
i'm upstairs
thinking about all the ways i don't want to die
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
a bowl of Water or the edge of Glory
[celestial kingdom]
in the book "Matthew," of the book "The Holy Bible"
the ninth verse of the sixteenth chapter states "And I will give unto thee the keys of the kingdom of heaven:
and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven:
and whatsoever thou shalt loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven."
'Whose is the hand that I will hold?
Whose is the face I will see?
Whose is the name that I will call
When I am called to meet thee?'
soft!
at this death eatery
he is passing away
a dolo morsel
a drying bone
there is a Woman,
dead a long time,
She has been a mountain range
in his memory
leading all the way to this horizon
right into the sun
'In this life who did you love
Beneath the drifting ashes?
Beneath the sheeting banks of air
That barrenly bore our rations?'
he says to Her
"you used to poke me
and whisper to me in the middle of the night
to tell me things that you'd just thought of
that you thought were so funny
now i wish i spoke the language of soil and wind better
so that i could perhaps laugh again
instead of cry
when woken by you"
he says
"i forgot how hard it is being the only black mormon"
'When I could speak it was too late
Didn't you hear me calling?
Didn't you see my heart leap like
A pup in the constant barley?'
they mention to him
that life is long
he says "i am aware"
they can see then that they have scalped him for the night
and perhaps most the next day
his second and third wives emma, carol
they see
when he's weight-lifting a smile
they are not broken
when they make love
it is giving
but their husband
is a donut
he is not lying
when he says why he has not been sealed, Eternally wed, to them
yet
to raise the population of his section of the celestial kingdom past two.
((well, at that point in time, past one (She has been waiting, patiently).)
he does not necessarily believe he is lying
when he tells emma
that perhaps one day, he will be ready
carol has never really thought it to be true
she just
loves him enough
to let death do them part.
he has a daughter
with his second wife
his daughter loves him
his daughter loves mother more
his daughter cannot stay
here
or Ever
at a certain point, he never sees his daughter again
emma leaves first
takes daughter with
emma does not wish to die here
soon after
carol, too, finds the house too big
or small
to love even the loveliest donut
tongue always slips into his hole
one can only kiss a void
so many times
before the crumble becomes them
'In this new life where did you crouch
When the sky had set to boiling?
Burnin' within; seen from without
And your gut was a serpent coiling'
when Her earthly body has the life struck from it
it is in front of him
they are twenty
inconsidering
he'll need decades to figure out
the right last words to her
they are:
"if the demons snarl at You
with their debilitating asses
tell them niggas
who You is
the One,
the Queen,
the Axis
if the demons snarl at you
with their de-magnifying glasses
tell them niggas
who you is
the One,
the Queen,
the Axis"
but in the moment
it is a solitary choke.
and Her last words
were a jumble of teeth
vibrating
from an exclamation point
Her mouth wouldn't make it open
until it already had no light behind it
'Stand here and name the one you loved
Beneath the drifting ashes
And in naming, rise above time
As it, flashing, passes'
when the man passed away
he did not remember the name of the Person
he was going to see
but his hands and eyes were open
when they found Him
~
in the book "Matthew," of the book "The Holy Bible"
the ninth verse of the sixteenth chapter states "And I will give unto thee the keys of the kingdom of heaven:
and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven:
and whatsoever thou shalt loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven."
'Whose is the hand that I will hold?
Whose is the face I will see?
Whose is the name that I will call
When I am called to meet thee?'
soft!
at this death eatery
he is passing away
a dolo morsel
a drying bone
there is a Woman,
dead a long time,
She has been a mountain range
in his memory
leading all the way to this horizon
right into the sun
'In this life who did you love
Beneath the drifting ashes?
Beneath the sheeting banks of air
That barrenly bore our rations?'
he says to Her
"you used to poke me
and whisper to me in the middle of the night
to tell me things that you'd just thought of
that you thought were so funny
now i wish i spoke the language of soil and wind better
so that i could perhaps laugh again
instead of cry
when woken by you"
he says
"i forgot how hard it is being the only black mormon"
'When I could speak it was too late
Didn't you hear me calling?
Didn't you see my heart leap like
A pup in the constant barley?'
they mention to him
that life is long
he says "i am aware"
they can see then that they have scalped him for the night
and perhaps most the next day
his second and third wives emma, carol
they see
when he's weight-lifting a smile
they are not broken
when they make love
it is giving
but their husband
is a donut
he is not lying
when he says why he has not been sealed, Eternally wed, to them
yet
to raise the population of his section of the celestial kingdom past two.
((well, at that point in time, past one (She has been waiting, patiently).)
he does not necessarily believe he is lying
when he tells emma
that perhaps one day, he will be ready
carol has never really thought it to be true
she just
loves him enough
to let death do them part.
he has a daughter
with his second wife
his daughter loves him
his daughter loves mother more
his daughter cannot stay
here
or Ever
at a certain point, he never sees his daughter again
emma leaves first
takes daughter with
emma does not wish to die here
soon after
carol, too, finds the house too big
or small
to love even the loveliest donut
tongue always slips into his hole
one can only kiss a void
so many times
before the crumble becomes them
'In this new life where did you crouch
When the sky had set to boiling?
Burnin' within; seen from without
And your gut was a serpent coiling'
when Her earthly body has the life struck from it
it is in front of him
they are twenty
inconsidering
he'll need decades to figure out
the right last words to her
they are:
"if the demons snarl at You
with their debilitating asses
tell them niggas
who You is
the One,
the Queen,
the Axis
if the demons snarl at you
with their de-magnifying glasses
tell them niggas
who you is
the One,
the Queen,
the Axis"
but in the moment
it is a solitary choke.
and Her last words
were a jumble of teeth
vibrating
from an exclamation point
Her mouth wouldn't make it open
until it already had no light behind it
'Stand here and name the one you loved
Beneath the drifting ashes
And in naming, rise above time
As it, flashing, passes'
when the man passed away
he did not remember the name of the Person
he was going to see
but his hands and eyes were open
when they found Him
~
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
the title of that show I Used To Be Fat
so you start to lose weight
then fuck up, stop, gain it back,
and forget about it
for a while
besides slight little brain pinches
in the mirror
or from the sidelines of conversations
but then...
you Like someone,
at the right time,
probably the wrong someone,
which will be why-
they don't like you back
like
that
call that shit out as the last straw
get motivated
get kinda craaaazy
start to lose weight
action marker snap take 100
lose weight
feel even more up and down at all times
lose more weight
like,
someone tells you "wow have you been losing weight?
you look great!"
and depending on the way
the shadows in your brain had acted in the mirror this morniing
either feel like
"oh, awesome. that means i'm at a good place"
or like
"i KNEW that people would start noticing when I lost weight.
I should lose more. so far from where I could be"
you're like manic, man
it's like you got a magic in your eyes
people are asking you shit like
your friend's brother
like
your friend's dad peeking his head around
the corner in interest too
because they all, everyone all
wants to know
"like, how'd you do it?!"
and you trickle out the same answers
the same mock humility
you found it, man
the key
if only
if only
they had that kind of self-control
.
"no, just cheese is fine"
.
and maybe that person you liked likes you back now
maybe they don't
but -somebody- new likes you now
you're the shit now
you talk to people differently
you only listen to Prince and The-Dream
you cut, your hair, man
it's a new you
it's a new dawn
it's a new day
and you're feeling good until
i dunno
like that girl wants to get with your friend instead of you still
cuz like duh your friend is skinnier than you still
i mean, you stopped
and sort of went back to your old diet
but you know you can turn that SWITCH back on at any time
so like whatever
but anyway
so your friend is still like twenty pounds lighter than you
or whatever
like all of your friends are!
and they still dress better than you, even the NEW you
and like because you and this person
reaaally vibed with each other
and they were closer to you than the rest of your friends
you were certain
that like the only reason you guys had never hooked up
was because you were fat
and you've got a cute face
you were a cute, skinny baby
you know that
so like what the fUCK is the deal now
and it's like all the doors you thought
would be newly opened
with your deep loss
well a lot of them were totally imagined!
...
gain that weight back.
.
watch those new clothes
become unfamiliar exes
stop eating the week before your girlfriend comes back
for winter break
'i mean, not like on purpose
[your] stomach just won't like
digest things properly
so [you] can't eat
i know how it sounds'
your girlfriend is so beautiful and smart and interesting
there are going to be so many people hitting on her at school
all of them beautiful, smart, interesting
they will put your ass to shame
x
the night before,
be anxious
x
the night after,
be reminded of how
kind, gracious
she is
she didn't wretch
when she saw you
or kiss differently
then fuck up, stop, gain it back,
and forget about it
for a while
besides slight little brain pinches
in the mirror
or from the sidelines of conversations
but then...
you Like someone,
at the right time,
probably the wrong someone,
which will be why-
they don't like you back
like
that
call that shit out as the last straw
get motivated
get kinda craaaazy
start to lose weight
action marker snap take 100
lose weight
feel even more up and down at all times
lose more weight
like,
someone tells you "wow have you been losing weight?
you look great!"
and depending on the way
the shadows in your brain had acted in the mirror this morniing
either feel like
"oh, awesome. that means i'm at a good place"
or like
"i KNEW that people would start noticing when I lost weight.
I should lose more. so far from where I could be"
you're like manic, man
it's like you got a magic in your eyes
people are asking you shit like
your friend's brother
like
your friend's dad peeking his head around
the corner in interest too
because they all, everyone all
wants to know
"like, how'd you do it?!"
and you trickle out the same answers
the same mock humility
you found it, man
the key
if only
if only
they had that kind of self-control
.
"no, just cheese is fine"
.
and maybe that person you liked likes you back now
maybe they don't
but -somebody- new likes you now
you're the shit now
you talk to people differently
you only listen to Prince and The-Dream
you cut, your hair, man
it's a new you
it's a new dawn
it's a new day
and you're feeling good until
i dunno
like that girl wants to get with your friend instead of you still
cuz like duh your friend is skinnier than you still
i mean, you stopped
and sort of went back to your old diet
but you know you can turn that SWITCH back on at any time
so like whatever
but anyway
so your friend is still like twenty pounds lighter than you
or whatever
like all of your friends are!
and they still dress better than you, even the NEW you
and like because you and this person
reaaally vibed with each other
and they were closer to you than the rest of your friends
you were certain
that like the only reason you guys had never hooked up
was because you were fat
and you've got a cute face
you were a cute, skinny baby
you know that
so like what the fUCK is the deal now
and it's like all the doors you thought
would be newly opened
with your deep loss
well a lot of them were totally imagined!
...
gain that weight back.
.
watch those new clothes
become unfamiliar exes
stop eating the week before your girlfriend comes back
for winter break
'i mean, not like on purpose
[your] stomach just won't like
digest things properly
so [you] can't eat
i know how it sounds'
your girlfriend is so beautiful and smart and interesting
there are going to be so many people hitting on her at school
all of them beautiful, smart, interesting
they will put your ass to shame
x
the night before,
be anxious
x
the night after,
be reminded of how
kind, gracious
she is
she didn't wretch
when she saw you
or kiss differently
Monday, December 20, 2010
Sammy Sosa, or I know they didn't mean it, or no one ever means it
11/18/09
I mean, of course, there is no breaking point
without cracks
when I was ten I had never been called
a nigger in my life;
when world opened it's mouth
it didn't have to say that word,
a word,
it breathed it
like a gas
that would seep into my eyes and ears
wisping projections
of skateboards and spiked hair
rock n roll and flame shirts
five years later
I sat on a couch
as the n to the r
slithered out of the pale mouth
of the boy who owned it
again and again
like he was regurgitating medusa
his eyes cool
his mouth set like a pitbull in a hammock
I sat
stone and sad
like he was regurgitating medusa
and suddenly I didn't really want to finish the game of halo
and I saw my mom looking at me
and I saw my grandma
and I saw my brother Paul
who in between "faggots"
would remind that "them honkeys
don't care about [me]"
there was a door behind me
and a door in front of me
figuratively
the door behind was maybe also literal
as in, I say "Fuck You." throw the controller
throw open his front screen
get on my bike and ride away
from the white burn of beverly
but what I wanted to prove
was something different than what was inherent
in that scenario
the door in front of me, the silent one, was a----'s beautiful self
was the big hugs she would give to me
that the other black boys in my class didn't get
because I wore polos not fubu
because I knew who coheed was
because I commented her xanga
because even when the aeropostale
hoodies got a little bit too triangular
I could be counted on to shut the fuck up
and laaaaugh or joooooke
like when later that summer
her fourteen year old lips slurred
"manny, I love you! you...you are a super nigger."
which is close enough of a relative to
the "coolest black person I know" title
that if they fucked the child would have three eyes
"ohh, haha, thanks aubrey. could you give the phone back to josi?"
the next day,
when my parents happened upon her AIM apology
I can't remember anything they said
in the subseqent talk they gave me
so used to immediately, completely
rendering every word blank as pavement
as they charged toward me
I leveled each and every "you need to re-assess your social life",
threw them over my head
with the force of a hopeful, stupid boy ram
and continued pin cushion.
on St Patrick's Day
I rose to shake JJ's dad's hand
he let out a chuckle like a shotgun blast
something like
"UH-OH, HIDE YOUR STUFF
MAKE SURE HE DIDNT STEAL ANYTHING"
My eyes didn't hit the ground fast enough
for me to not see his grin
his "do something, motherfucker."
so I did.
I laughed.
his hand choked mine.
when meghan's neighbor
questioned me as I left out the back door,
tone five steps away from calling the police.
every gun joke
every ape joke
every rape joke
when m--- k---- called me a stupid fucking nigger
because my digital character
shot digital bullets into
his digital character
I shut the fuck up.
Sammy Sosa would rather be a ghost than a shadow.
What we will do to feel loved.
I mean, of course, there is no breaking point
without cracks
when I was ten I had never been called
a nigger in my life;
when world opened it's mouth
it didn't have to say that word,
a word,
it breathed it
like a gas
that would seep into my eyes and ears
wisping projections
of skateboards and spiked hair
rock n roll and flame shirts
five years later
I sat on a couch
as the n to the r
slithered out of the pale mouth
of the boy who owned it
again and again
like he was regurgitating medusa
his eyes cool
his mouth set like a pitbull in a hammock
I sat
stone and sad
like he was regurgitating medusa
and suddenly I didn't really want to finish the game of halo
and I saw my mom looking at me
and I saw my grandma
and I saw my brother Paul
who in between "faggots"
would remind that "them honkeys
don't care about [me]"
there was a door behind me
and a door in front of me
figuratively
the door behind was maybe also literal
as in, I say "Fuck You." throw the controller
throw open his front screen
get on my bike and ride away
from the white burn of beverly
but what I wanted to prove
was something different than what was inherent
in that scenario
the door in front of me, the silent one, was a----'s beautiful self
was the big hugs she would give to me
that the other black boys in my class didn't get
because I wore polos not fubu
because I knew who coheed was
because I commented her xanga
because even when the aeropostale
hoodies got a little bit too triangular
I could be counted on to shut the fuck up
and laaaaugh or joooooke
like when later that summer
her fourteen year old lips slurred
"manny, I love you! you...you are a super nigger."
which is close enough of a relative to
the "coolest black person I know" title
that if they fucked the child would have three eyes
"ohh, haha, thanks aubrey. could you give the phone back to josi?"
the next day,
when my parents happened upon her AIM apology
I can't remember anything they said
in the subseqent talk they gave me
so used to immediately, completely
rendering every word blank as pavement
as they charged toward me
I leveled each and every "you need to re-assess your social life",
threw them over my head
with the force of a hopeful, stupid boy ram
and continued pin cushion.
on St Patrick's Day
I rose to shake JJ's dad's hand
he let out a chuckle like a shotgun blast
something like
"UH-OH, HIDE YOUR STUFF
MAKE SURE HE DIDNT STEAL ANYTHING"
My eyes didn't hit the ground fast enough
for me to not see his grin
his "do something, motherfucker."
so I did.
I laughed.
his hand choked mine.
when meghan's neighbor
questioned me as I left out the back door,
tone five steps away from calling the police.
every gun joke
every ape joke
every rape joke
when m--- k---- called me a stupid fucking nigger
because my digital character
shot digital bullets into
his digital character
I shut the fuck up.
Sammy Sosa would rather be a ghost than a shadow.
What we will do to feel loved.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
all of us
like one day,
i'll just unhinge my jaws
and locusts will swarm from the cavity.
an infernal buzz
of all the doubt and fires you didn't know about:
the black fingers behind clipped sentences
or ones that ran onto too long-
babbling brooks of subconsciousness
trying to hide behind their own tails.
i'll just unhinge my jaws
and locusts will swarm from the cavity.
an infernal buzz
of all the doubt and fires you didn't know about:
the black fingers behind clipped sentences
or ones that ran onto too long-
babbling brooks of subconsciousness
trying to hide behind their own tails.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Who is Kristin Chenowech? Kristin Chenowech on "The Rosie O'Donnell Show" on 5/31/01
"'Kristin' premieres on NBC- June 5th. And it's right after 'Frazier,' right?!" "I know! I'm so happy they gave us that slot!"
"Tuesdays, right after Frazier, so that's a -great- spot!" "Yeah!" "That'll be a -great- launching pad." "I'm very excited"
"How many episodes have you shot already?" "Thirteen!" "Thirteeeen!" "Yeah!" "Do you like living out in L.A.?"
"I do, the weather's -always- beautiful" *kristin looks out into the crowd for Applause, crowd Applauses, kristin claps back*
"Woo! It's great, I got a car! Which was kiiind of a big deal!" "Yeah." "Which is one of the reasons I hope the show goes [well]"
"so I can continue to pay for the car." "Right." *murmurings of laughter from the audience* "Did you get a swanky car? What'd ya get?"
*turns to the audience* "I got a really cool car, you guys."
Kristin is an American comedy television series starring Kristin Chenoweth. The series premiered June 5, 2001, on NBC.[1]
The show was canceled after six episodes.[2]
lol
"Tuesdays, right after Frazier, so that's a -great- spot!" "Yeah!" "That'll be a -great- launching pad." "I'm very excited"
"How many episodes have you shot already?" "Thirteen!" "Thirteeeen!" "Yeah!" "Do you like living out in L.A.?"
"I do, the weather's -always- beautiful" *kristin looks out into the crowd for Applause, crowd Applauses, kristin claps back*
"Woo! It's great, I got a car! Which was kiiind of a big deal!" "Yeah." "Which is one of the reasons I hope the show goes [well]"
"so I can continue to pay for the car." "Right." *murmurings of laughter from the audience* "Did you get a swanky car? What'd ya get?"
*turns to the audience* "I got a really cool car, you guys."
Kristin is an American comedy television series starring Kristin Chenoweth. The series premiered June 5, 2001, on NBC.[1]
The show was canceled after six episodes.[2]
lol
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
epilogue
this is the last poem in my manuscript heaventeen, greateen, fineteen: graduation. I've deleted most of the poems from this blog that will be in that book. I hope you enjoy this sample of it. the entire thing will be available to you soon, so stay with me plz. : )
---
I met Kristina
through Cydney and Kiana
I didn't really talk to either one of them
when we went to Keller
(I think Cydney came back
to visit her freshman year
for a Friday Family Fun Night
and we played volleyball
and I tried to flirt with her
and failed
[she doesn't remember this happening]
and
during morning recess
in 7th grade
I noticed that Kiana
had on a t-shirt
dressed with the logo from
the [still perfect] 2004
self-titled blink 182 album
which I loved
and she had a rep
a rep that gave me a 12 yr old boner
and so I was like "hey I love blink 18twooooo"
but she was talking to Gabe
and Gabe was hotter than me
so I failed
[she doesn't remember this happening])
but they knew how hard it could be
in high school, especially the shitshow
that was Morgan Park
so as far as they were concerned
as soon as I walked into those gates
it was all Family.
when Cydney saw me, she was surrounded in friends:
her own ever-orbiting social solar system
she shouted "emanuel!!!!" or "mannyyyy!"
(I can't remember which, either way
to my heart, it sounded like Luke shouting "I'm here to rescue you!" to Leia through a crowd of Girbaulds and 3X tees)
and she broke through the planets and space dust
and hugged me so tightly
an embrace that didn't let go for the next three years
(an embrace I miss a lot./././)
and her planets and space dust all scanned my face
registering it
picking the folder out of the black void fly riddled trash bin labeled FRESHMEN
as she told them how cool I was
and sliding it onto a shelf titled COOL FRESHMEN (...?)
and I think I may have met Kristina
the same day I met Paul and Symone
and the rest of the Blue House gang
Kiana led me around
like I was Buzz Lightyear
and I was dubbed "The Freshie"
and Paul said he just really liked my lips
and indeed later, Paul would feel my lips
(the first time, I didn't want it
and didn't tell him so he could save face
the second time, I did
but didn't tell anyone else so I could save face)
Kiana and Paul broke up (so many gay people in heteroships)
and she started dating Ryan
and Ryan would drive her around a lot
and her crew, and it was one of those situations
where he was kiiind of a huge asshole some times
but he seriously drove us around all the time
so what can you say! you know!
and sometimes it was me and Kristina in the back seat
and she had a rep
a rep that gave me a 14 year old boner
people who hadn't heard me referred to as The Freshie
would always be like "oh I thought you were older than me!"
I don't remember if Kristina was one of those people
but if she was, it would have been double funny
because she always treated me like a kid
no matter how hard I tried to prove to her that I wasn't
I'd try to find a way to make an arousing double entendre about the cinnnamon roll
one of us was tearing up as Ryan blasted
Corrosion of Conformity or something
(if you don't know who CoC are, honestly,
the name says it all)
and I'd, you know, fail
and she'd smile
she'd just always smile
and bat me away like a ball of yarn
and keep smiling
and as the years went on
I'd see her less and less
and maybe she wouldn't be smiling as much (how narratively beneficial)
which is kind of what happened
to a lot of the Blue House kids
(/a lot of the MPHS kids)
I think she did Gallery 37 in the summer
I remember there was a picture of her and Paul
on G37 Cross-Dress Day, his head thrown back his skirt high, his
fishnetted leg wrapped around
her baggy jeans and white tee
the kind of activity my friends who sorta knew Paul
would laugh at because Paul's basic instinct to us
seemed to be to just go over-the-top as fast as possible
it looked like he was moaning in the picture, go figure
and she was smiling, if I remember correctly
the last time I saw Kristina
was at the Last Real GSA meeting
(by that point
they had just devolved into
20 minute semi-structured semi-engaged conversations
ending with the far more important task of kids finding which
member(s) of the same or opposite sex
they wanted to jerk off or eat out in an empty classroom)
but We didn't know it was the last one then.
actually, the Real Last meeting
was when we all came to Mr. Fitz's room
maybe even the very next Wednesday after that
to just end up talking about Kristina's accident
and who was with her in the hospital
and what she said to them
and what they said
and who pushed who
and when she was coming back to school
At the Last Real meeting
I, the President of the GSA, was going on
about the Imus controversy
I think I was pretending to ask questions
but probably just trying find the all ways
to get people to shit on Imus and old white people
when I pointed at them
that made me sound smartest
I really don't think I had seen Kristina in weeks
but she was there a desk from the front
by the wall
by herself
and she said "No"
and I didn't understand
she said she didn't care
whether someone called her a nappy head ho or a bitch or anything
because people were -always- going to say something about what they considered you
but as long as you knew who you were
it wouldn't matter
I...I was the President
and she sonned the shit out of me
and I stammered and choked, still the child
the next time I heard from her
she'd made a facebook note
about how everything was so fucked up
and might never be right
she didn't tag me in it
I commented anyway
wrote that everything is always changing
and life will go on and anything is possible
of becoming better
if not the day before, it was the same week
she threw herself out of the moving car*
and the long process of her death began
two days before my sixteenth birthday
the weeks of rumors and bullshit
(*I honestly still don't really know what
the fuck happened)
turned out to be rumors and bullshit
and during Art, the intercom
said she'd died
and my friends sitting with me
got up and walked out of class
and one of the seniors made fun of them
as I picked up the jackets and things left at the table
and followed after
you could hear the screaming from very far away
in the office in the corner of the building
filled with children
either screaming
or not saying anything at all
We were so happy to be alive
to be together at the funeral
she loved everyone
the dozens of people I don't
see anymore
I forget about it all sometimes
then a facebook note or event
will ask for a moment of silence
on her birth or death day
Dan and I got into a photoshop war
with our myspaces
I would find embarassing things from his xanga
or his ex-girlfriends xanga
and place a giant vagina where his head should be
he would copy and paste some of my poetry from freshman year
next to a picture of black and white Conor Oberst
with a speech bubble going "Wow...that's deep"
I'd make fun of his prepubescent "kissed a boy today. woops!" entry
or list how many times Aubrey's "had sex with dan today" posts
would interchange with
"broke up with dan today" within the course of a month
So when we were all gathered together
and showing everyone how funny the picture of
"me" getting a load shot on me by a room full of guys was
Dan's comment under that one came up, and I backed away from the screen and said "ohh...ohhh shit."
and no one understood
my gigantic superimposed head
was pixels away from Paul's lipsticked lips
and the arms that weren't mine
held up his fishnetted leg
as it wrapped around the body that wasn't mine
I don't think it's really any body's anymore
there's no resolution to be found here
I look at the pictures on the We Love You, Kristina! facebook group
and am at the point now
where I am realizing
that the almonds staring back
are now younger than me
and always will be
they're a kid's.
and that might be why I wrote all of this out
because I tell people that if you just write things out
it can really help you make sense of things
but here, it's just pawing at a glass box
that's shrinking smaller and smaller
there's nothing here anymore but stories
I texted Cydney an hour ago
shortly after I started writing this
it's been a long time
---
I met Kristina
through Cydney and Kiana
I didn't really talk to either one of them
when we went to Keller
(I think Cydney came back
to visit her freshman year
for a Friday Family Fun Night
and we played volleyball
and I tried to flirt with her
and failed
[she doesn't remember this happening]
and
during morning recess
in 7th grade
I noticed that Kiana
had on a t-shirt
dressed with the logo from
the [still perfect] 2004
self-titled blink 182 album
which I loved
and she had a rep
a rep that gave me a 12 yr old boner
and so I was like "hey I love blink 18twooooo"
but she was talking to Gabe
and Gabe was hotter than me
so I failed
[she doesn't remember this happening])
but they knew how hard it could be
in high school, especially the shitshow
that was Morgan Park
so as far as they were concerned
as soon as I walked into those gates
it was all Family.
when Cydney saw me, she was surrounded in friends:
her own ever-orbiting social solar system
she shouted "emanuel!!!!" or "mannyyyy!"
(I can't remember which, either way
to my heart, it sounded like Luke shouting "I'm here to rescue you!" to Leia through a crowd of Girbaulds and 3X tees)
and she broke through the planets and space dust
and hugged me so tightly
an embrace that didn't let go for the next three years
(an embrace I miss a lot./././)
and her planets and space dust all scanned my face
registering it
picking the folder out of the black void fly riddled trash bin labeled FRESHMEN
as she told them how cool I was
and sliding it onto a shelf titled COOL FRESHMEN (...?)
and I think I may have met Kristina
the same day I met Paul and Symone
and the rest of the Blue House gang
Kiana led me around
like I was Buzz Lightyear
and I was dubbed "The Freshie"
and Paul said he just really liked my lips
and indeed later, Paul would feel my lips
(the first time, I didn't want it
and didn't tell him so he could save face
the second time, I did
but didn't tell anyone else so I could save face)
Kiana and Paul broke up (so many gay people in heteroships)
and she started dating Ryan
and Ryan would drive her around a lot
and her crew, and it was one of those situations
where he was kiiind of a huge asshole some times
but he seriously drove us around all the time
so what can you say! you know!
and sometimes it was me and Kristina in the back seat
and she had a rep
a rep that gave me a 14 year old boner
people who hadn't heard me referred to as The Freshie
would always be like "oh I thought you were older than me!"
I don't remember if Kristina was one of those people
but if she was, it would have been double funny
because she always treated me like a kid
no matter how hard I tried to prove to her that I wasn't
I'd try to find a way to make an arousing double entendre about the cinnnamon roll
one of us was tearing up as Ryan blasted
Corrosion of Conformity or something
(if you don't know who CoC are, honestly,
the name says it all)
and I'd, you know, fail
and she'd smile
she'd just always smile
and bat me away like a ball of yarn
and keep smiling
and as the years went on
I'd see her less and less
and maybe she wouldn't be smiling as much (how narratively beneficial)
which is kind of what happened
to a lot of the Blue House kids
(/a lot of the MPHS kids)
I think she did Gallery 37 in the summer
I remember there was a picture of her and Paul
on G37 Cross-Dress Day, his head thrown back his skirt high, his
fishnetted leg wrapped around
her baggy jeans and white tee
the kind of activity my friends who sorta knew Paul
would laugh at because Paul's basic instinct to us
seemed to be to just go over-the-top as fast as possible
it looked like he was moaning in the picture, go figure
and she was smiling, if I remember correctly
the last time I saw Kristina
was at the Last Real GSA meeting
(by that point
they had just devolved into
20 minute semi-structured semi-engaged conversations
ending with the far more important task of kids finding which
member(s) of the same or opposite sex
they wanted to jerk off or eat out in an empty classroom)
but We didn't know it was the last one then.
actually, the Real Last meeting
was when we all came to Mr. Fitz's room
maybe even the very next Wednesday after that
to just end up talking about Kristina's accident
and who was with her in the hospital
and what she said to them
and what they said
and who pushed who
and when she was coming back to school
At the Last Real meeting
I, the President of the GSA, was going on
about the Imus controversy
I think I was pretending to ask questions
but probably just trying find the all ways
to get people to shit on Imus and old white people
when I pointed at them
that made me sound smartest
I really don't think I had seen Kristina in weeks
but she was there a desk from the front
by the wall
by herself
and she said "No"
and I didn't understand
she said she didn't care
whether someone called her a nappy head ho or a bitch or anything
because people were -always- going to say something about what they considered you
but as long as you knew who you were
it wouldn't matter
I...I was the President
and she sonned the shit out of me
and I stammered and choked, still the child
the next time I heard from her
she'd made a facebook note
about how everything was so fucked up
and might never be right
she didn't tag me in it
I commented anyway
wrote that everything is always changing
and life will go on and anything is possible
of becoming better
if not the day before, it was the same week
she threw herself out of the moving car*
and the long process of her death began
two days before my sixteenth birthday
the weeks of rumors and bullshit
(*I honestly still don't really know what
the fuck happened)
turned out to be rumors and bullshit
and during Art, the intercom
said she'd died
and my friends sitting with me
got up and walked out of class
and one of the seniors made fun of them
as I picked up the jackets and things left at the table
and followed after
you could hear the screaming from very far away
in the office in the corner of the building
filled with children
either screaming
or not saying anything at all
We were so happy to be alive
to be together at the funeral
she loved everyone
the dozens of people I don't
see anymore
I forget about it all sometimes
then a facebook note or event
will ask for a moment of silence
on her birth or death day
Dan and I got into a photoshop war
with our myspaces
I would find embarassing things from his xanga
or his ex-girlfriends xanga
and place a giant vagina where his head should be
he would copy and paste some of my poetry from freshman year
next to a picture of black and white Conor Oberst
with a speech bubble going "Wow...that's deep"
I'd make fun of his prepubescent "kissed a boy today. woops!" entry
or list how many times Aubrey's "had sex with dan today" posts
would interchange with
"broke up with dan today" within the course of a month
So when we were all gathered together
and showing everyone how funny the picture of
"me" getting a load shot on me by a room full of guys was
Dan's comment under that one came up, and I backed away from the screen and said "ohh...ohhh shit."
and no one understood
my gigantic superimposed head
was pixels away from Paul's lipsticked lips
and the arms that weren't mine
held up his fishnetted leg
as it wrapped around the body that wasn't mine
I don't think it's really any body's anymore
there's no resolution to be found here
I look at the pictures on the We Love You, Kristina! facebook group
and am at the point now
where I am realizing
that the almonds staring back
are now younger than me
and always will be
they're a kid's.
and that might be why I wrote all of this out
because I tell people that if you just write things out
it can really help you make sense of things
but here, it's just pawing at a glass box
that's shrinking smaller and smaller
there's nothing here anymore but stories
I texted Cydney an hour ago
shortly after I started writing this
it's been a long time
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