the title of that show I Used To Be Fat

so you start to lose weight

then fuck up, stop, gain it back,

and forget about it



for a while

besides slight little brain pinches

in the mirror

or from the sidelines of conversations



but then...

you Like someone,

at the right time,

probably the wrong someone,

which will be why-

they don't like you back

like

that



call that shit out as the last straw

get motivated

get kinda craaaazy

start to lose weight

action marker snap take 100

lose weight



feel even more up and down at all times



lose more weight



like,

someone tells you "wow have you been losing weight?

you look great!"



and depending on the way

the shadows in your brain had acted in the mirror this morniing



either feel like



"oh, awesome. that means i'm at a good place"



or like



"i KNEW that people would start noticing when I lost weight.

I should lose more. so far from where I could be"



you're like manic, man

it's like you got a magic in your eyes



people are asking you shit like

your friend's brother

like

your friend's dad peeking his head around

the corner in interest too



because they all, everyone all

wants to know



"like, how'd you do it?!"



and you trickle out the same answers

the same mock humility

you found it, man

the key



if only

if only

they had that kind of self-control





.

"no, just cheese is fine"

.





and maybe that person you liked likes you back now

maybe they don't



but -somebody- new likes you now

you're the shit now



you talk to people differently

you only listen to Prince and The-Dream

you cut, your hair, man



it's a new you



it's a new dawn

it's a new day



and you're feeling good until

i dunno

like that girl wants to get with your friend instead of you still

cuz like duh your friend is skinnier than you still



i mean, you stopped

and sort of went back to your old diet

but you know you can turn that SWITCH back on at any time

so like whatever



but anyway

so your friend is still like twenty pounds lighter than you

or whatever



like all of your friends are!

and they still dress better than you, even the NEW you



and like because you and this person

reaaally vibed with each other

and they were closer to you than the rest of your friends

you were certain

that like the only reason you guys had never hooked up

was because you were fat



and you've got a cute face

you were a cute, skinny baby

you know that



so like what the fUCK is the deal now



and it's like all the doors you thought

would be newly opened

with your deep loss



well a lot of them were totally imagined!



...



gain that weight back.



.



watch those new clothes



become unfamiliar exes



stop eating the week before your girlfriend comes back

for winter break

'i mean, not like on purpose

[your] stomach just won't like

digest things properly

so [you] can't eat

i know how it sounds'



your girlfriend is so beautiful and smart and interesting

there are going to be so many people hitting on her at school

all of them beautiful, smart, interesting



they will put your ass to shame



x



the night before,

be anxious



x

the night after,

be reminded of how

kind, gracious

she is



she didn't wretch

when she saw you

or kiss differently