this is the last poem in my manuscript heaventeen, greateen, fineteen: graduation. I've deleted most of the poems from this blog that will be in that book. I hope you enjoy this sample of it. the entire thing will be available to you soon, so stay with me plz. : )
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I met Kristina
through Cydney and Kiana
I didn't really talk to either one of them
when we went to Keller
(I think Cydney came back
to visit her freshman year
for a Friday Family Fun Night
and we played volleyball
and I tried to flirt with her
and failed
[she doesn't remember this happening]
and
during morning recess
in 7th grade
I noticed that Kiana
had on a t-shirt
dressed with the logo from
the [still perfect] 2004
self-titled blink 182 album
which I loved
and she had a rep
a rep that gave me a 12 yr old boner
and so I was like "hey I love blink 18twooooo"
but she was talking to Gabe
and Gabe was hotter than me
so I failed
[she doesn't remember this happening])
but they knew how hard it could be
in high school, especially the shitshow
that was Morgan Park
so as far as they were concerned
as soon as I walked into those gates
it was all Family.
when Cydney saw me, she was surrounded in friends:
her own ever-orbiting social solar system
she shouted "emanuel!!!!" or "mannyyyy!"
(I can't remember which, either way
to my heart, it sounded like Luke shouting "I'm here to rescue you!" to Leia through a crowd of Girbaulds and 3X tees)
and she broke through the planets and space dust
and hugged me so tightly
an embrace that didn't let go for the next three years
(an embrace I miss a lot./././)
and her planets and space dust all scanned my face
registering it
picking the folder out of the black void fly riddled trash bin labeled FRESHMEN
as she told them how cool I was
and sliding it onto a shelf titled COOL FRESHMEN (...?)
and I think I may have met Kristina
the same day I met Paul and Symone
and the rest of the Blue House gang
Kiana led me around
like I was Buzz Lightyear
and I was dubbed "The Freshie"
and Paul said he just really liked my lips
and indeed later, Paul would feel my lips
(the first time, I didn't want it
and didn't tell him so he could save face
the second time, I did
but didn't tell anyone else so I could save face)
Kiana and Paul broke up (so many gay people in heteroships)
and she started dating Ryan
and Ryan would drive her around a lot
and her crew, and it was one of those situations
where he was kiiind of a huge asshole some times
but he seriously drove us around all the time
so what can you say! you know!
and sometimes it was me and Kristina in the back seat
and she had a rep
a rep that gave me a 14 year old boner
people who hadn't heard me referred to as The Freshie
would always be like "oh I thought you were older than me!"
I don't remember if Kristina was one of those people
but if she was, it would have been double funny
because she always treated me like a kid
no matter how hard I tried to prove to her that I wasn't
I'd try to find a way to make an arousing double entendre about the cinnnamon roll
one of us was tearing up as Ryan blasted
Corrosion of Conformity or something
(if you don't know who CoC are, honestly,
the name says it all)
and I'd, you know, fail
and she'd smile
she'd just always smile
and bat me away like a ball of yarn
and keep smiling
and as the years went on
I'd see her less and less
and maybe she wouldn't be smiling as much (how narratively beneficial)
which is kind of what happened
to a lot of the Blue House kids
(/a lot of the MPHS kids)
I think she did Gallery 37 in the summer
I remember there was a picture of her and Paul
on G37 Cross-Dress Day, his head thrown back his skirt high, his
fishnetted leg wrapped around
her baggy jeans and white tee
the kind of activity my friends who sorta knew Paul
would laugh at because Paul's basic instinct to us
seemed to be to just go over-the-top as fast as possible
it looked like he was moaning in the picture, go figure
and she was smiling, if I remember correctly
the last time I saw Kristina
was at the Last Real GSA meeting
(by that point
they had just devolved into
20 minute semi-structured semi-engaged conversations
ending with the far more important task of kids finding which
member(s) of the same or opposite sex
they wanted to jerk off or eat out in an empty classroom)
but We didn't know it was the last one then.
actually, the Real Last meeting
was when we all came to Mr. Fitz's room
maybe even the very next Wednesday after that
to just end up talking about Kristina's accident
and who was with her in the hospital
and what she said to them
and what they said
and who pushed who
and when she was coming back to school
At the Last Real meeting
I, the President of the GSA, was going on
about the Imus controversy
I think I was pretending to ask questions
but probably just trying find the all ways
to get people to shit on Imus and old white people
when I pointed at them
that made me sound smartest
I really don't think I had seen Kristina in weeks
but she was there a desk from the front
by the wall
by herself
and she said "No"
and I didn't understand
she said she didn't care
whether someone called her a nappy head ho or a bitch or anything
because people were -always- going to say something about what they considered you
but as long as you knew who you were
it wouldn't matter
I...I was the President
and she sonned the shit out of me
and I stammered and choked, still the child
the next time I heard from her
she'd made a facebook note
about how everything was so fucked up
and might never be right
she didn't tag me in it
I commented anyway
wrote that everything is always changing
and life will go on and anything is possible
of becoming better
if not the day before, it was the same week
she threw herself out of the moving car*
and the long process of her death began
two days before my sixteenth birthday
the weeks of rumors and bullshit
(*I honestly still don't really know what
the fuck happened)
turned out to be rumors and bullshit
and during Art, the intercom
said she'd died
and my friends sitting with me
got up and walked out of class
and one of the seniors made fun of them
as I picked up the jackets and things left at the table
and followed after
you could hear the screaming from very far away
in the office in the corner of the building
filled with children
either screaming
or not saying anything at all
We were so happy to be alive
to be together at the funeral
she loved everyone
the dozens of people I don't
see anymore
I forget about it all sometimes
then a facebook note or event
will ask for a moment of silence
on her birth or death day
Dan and I got into a photoshop war
with our myspaces
I would find embarassing things from his xanga
or his ex-girlfriends xanga
and place a giant vagina where his head should be
he would copy and paste some of my poetry from freshman year
next to a picture of black and white Conor Oberst
with a speech bubble going "Wow...that's deep"
I'd make fun of his prepubescent "kissed a boy today. woops!" entry
or list how many times Aubrey's "had sex with dan today" posts
would interchange with
"broke up with dan today" within the course of a month
So when we were all gathered together
and showing everyone how funny the picture of
"me" getting a load shot on me by a room full of guys was
Dan's comment under that one came up, and I backed away from the screen and said "ohh...ohhh shit."
and no one understood
my gigantic superimposed head
was pixels away from Paul's lipsticked lips
and the arms that weren't mine
held up his fishnetted leg
as it wrapped around the body that wasn't mine
I don't think it's really any body's anymore
there's no resolution to be found here
I look at the pictures on the We Love You, Kristina! facebook group
and am at the point now
where I am realizing
that the almonds staring back
are now younger than me
and always will be
they're a kid's.
and that might be why I wrote all of this out
because I tell people that if you just write things out
it can really help you make sense of things
but here, it's just pawing at a glass box
that's shrinking smaller and smaller
there's nothing here anymore but stories
I texted Cydney an hour ago
shortly after I started writing this
it's been a long time
