selfish

the sky is colored like a dead person
we're all inside
i'm upstairs
thinking about all the ways i don't want to die

i'm in the kitchen on september 21st
i've broken straight-edge september
for the first time since september 11
i'm too high
crying and screaming about troy davis

dave is agreeing with me
talking to him is comforting
he doesn't really say anything
when i compare it to september 11

there is/was a man
i read about on cnn.com
who was trying to get DNA evidence tested
from murders he says he did not commit

(his wife, i think, was assaulted,
skull crushed,
that is a way i do not want to die,
and two other persons were murdered by a human
three fatalities)

the judge refused to DNA test
he was scheduled to be executed on wednesday
but was trying desperately
to get the mazes of the law
to let him keep his human life
it's saturday now,
i haven't checked to see if he's dead yet

i did tweet about it

the sky is colored like a dead person
we're all inside
i'm upstairs
thinking about all the ways i don't want to die

a bowl of Water or the edge of Glory

[celestial kingdom]

in the book "Matthew," of the book "The Holy Bible"
the ninth verse of the sixteenth chapter states "And I will give unto thee the keys of the kingdom of heaven:
and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven:
and whatsoever thou shalt loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven."

'Whose is the hand that I will hold?
Whose is the face I will see?
Whose is the name that I will call
When I am called to meet thee?'

soft!
at this death eatery
he is passing away
a dolo morsel

a drying bone
there is a Woman,
dead a long time,

She has been a mountain range
in his memory
leading all the way to this horizon
right into the sun

'In this life who did you love
Beneath the drifting ashes?
Beneath the sheeting banks of air
That barrenly bore our rations?'

he says to Her
"you used to poke me
and whisper to me in the middle of the night
to tell me things that you'd just thought of
that you thought were so funny

now i wish i spoke the language of soil and wind better
so that i could perhaps laugh again
instead of cry
when woken by you"

he says
"i forgot how hard it is being the only black mormon"

'When I could speak it was too late
Didn't you hear me calling?
Didn't you see my heart leap like
A pup in the constant barley?'

they mention to him
that life is long
he says "i am aware"
they can see then that they have scalped him for the night
and perhaps most the next day

his second and third wives emma, carol
they see
when he's weight-lifting a smile

they are not broken

when they make love
it is giving

but their husband
is a donut

he is not lying
when he says why he has not been sealed, Eternally wed, to them
yet

to raise the population of his section of the celestial kingdom past two.
((well, at that point in time, past one (She has been waiting, patiently).)

he does not necessarily believe he is lying
when he tells emma
that perhaps one day, he will be ready

carol has never really thought it to be true
she just
loves him enough

to let death do them part.

he has a daughter
with his second wife
his daughter loves him
his daughter loves mother more
his daughter cannot stay
here
or Ever

at a certain point, he never sees his daughter again

emma leaves first
takes daughter with
emma does not wish to die here

soon after
carol, too, finds the house too big
or small
to love even the loveliest donut

tongue always slips into his hole
one can only kiss a void
so many times
before the crumble becomes them


'In this new life where did you crouch
When the sky had set to boiling?
Burnin' within; seen from without
And your gut was a serpent coiling'

when Her earthly body has the life struck from it
it is in front of him
they are twenty
inconsidering
he'll need decades to figure out
the right last words to her

they are:

"if the demons snarl at You
with their debilitating asses

tell them niggas
who You is

the One,
the Queen,
the Axis

if the demons snarl at you
with their de-magnifying glasses

tell them niggas
who you is

the One,
the Queen,
the Axis"

but in the moment
it is a solitary choke.

and Her last words
were a jumble of teeth
vibrating
from an exclamation point

Her mouth wouldn't make it open
until it already had no light behind it

'Stand here and name the one you loved
Beneath the drifting ashes
And in naming, rise above time
As it, flashing, passes'

when the man passed away
he did not remember the name of the Person
he was going to see

but his hands and eyes were open
when they found Him

~

the title of that show I Used To Be Fat

so you start to lose weight

then fuck up, stop, gain it back,

and forget about it



for a while

besides slight little brain pinches

in the mirror

or from the sidelines of conversations



but then...

you Like someone,

at the right time,

probably the wrong someone,

which will be why-

they don't like you back

like

that



call that shit out as the last straw

get motivated

get kinda craaaazy

start to lose weight

action marker snap take 100

lose weight



feel even more up and down at all times



lose more weight



like,

someone tells you "wow have you been losing weight?

you look great!"



and depending on the way

the shadows in your brain had acted in the mirror this morniing



either feel like



"oh, awesome. that means i'm at a good place"



or like



"i KNEW that people would start noticing when I lost weight.

I should lose more. so far from where I could be"



you're like manic, man

it's like you got a magic in your eyes



people are asking you shit like

your friend's brother

like

your friend's dad peeking his head around

the corner in interest too



because they all, everyone all

wants to know



"like, how'd you do it?!"



and you trickle out the same answers

the same mock humility

you found it, man

the key



if only

if only

they had that kind of self-control





.

"no, just cheese is fine"

.





and maybe that person you liked likes you back now

maybe they don't



but -somebody- new likes you now

you're the shit now



you talk to people differently

you only listen to Prince and The-Dream

you cut, your hair, man



it's a new you



it's a new dawn

it's a new day



and you're feeling good until

i dunno

like that girl wants to get with your friend instead of you still

cuz like duh your friend is skinnier than you still



i mean, you stopped

and sort of went back to your old diet

but you know you can turn that SWITCH back on at any time

so like whatever



but anyway

so your friend is still like twenty pounds lighter than you

or whatever



like all of your friends are!

and they still dress better than you, even the NEW you



and like because you and this person

reaaally vibed with each other

and they were closer to you than the rest of your friends

you were certain

that like the only reason you guys had never hooked up

was because you were fat



and you've got a cute face

you were a cute, skinny baby

you know that



so like what the fUCK is the deal now



and it's like all the doors you thought

would be newly opened

with your deep loss



well a lot of them were totally imagined!



...



gain that weight back.



.



watch those new clothes



become unfamiliar exes



stop eating the week before your girlfriend comes back

for winter break

'i mean, not like on purpose

[your] stomach just won't like

digest things properly

so [you] can't eat

i know how it sounds'



your girlfriend is so beautiful and smart and interesting

there are going to be so many people hitting on her at school

all of them beautiful, smart, interesting



they will put your ass to shame



x



the night before,

be anxious



x

the night after,

be reminded of how

kind, gracious

she is



she didn't wretch

when she saw you

or kiss differently