ways and things

selfish

2011-12-27T23:13:00.000-08:00

the sky is colored like a dead person
we're all inside
i'm upstairs
thinking about all the ways i don't want to die

i'm in the kitchen on september 21st
i've broken straight-edge september
for the first time since september 11
i'm too high
crying and screaming about troy davis

dave is agreeing with me
talking to him is comforting
he doesn't really say anything
when i compare it to september 11

there is/was a man
i read about on cnn.com
who was trying to get DNA evidence tested
from murders he says he did not commit

(his wife, i think, was assaulted,
skull crushed,
that is a way i do not want to die,
and two other persons were murdered by a human
three fatalities)

the judge refused to DNA test
he was scheduled to be executed on wednesday
but was trying desperately
to get the mazes of the law
to let him keep his human life
it's saturday now,
i haven't checked to see if he's dead yet

i did tweet about it

the sky is colored like a dead person
we're all inside
i'm upstairs
thinking about all the ways i don't want to die

a bowl of Water or the edge of Glory

2011-06-21T01:03:00.000-07:00

[celestial kingdom]

in the book "Matthew," of the book "The Holy Bible"
the ninth verse of the sixteenth chapter states "And I will give unto thee the keys of the kingdom of heaven:
and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven:
and whatsoever thou shalt loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven."

'Whose is the hand that I will hold?
Whose is the face I will see?
Whose is the name that I will call
When I am called to meet thee?'

soft!
at this death eatery
he is passing away
a dolo morsel

a drying bone
there is a Woman,
dead a long time,

She has been a mountain range
in his memory
leading all the way to this horizon
right into the sun

'In this life who did you love
Beneath the drifting ashes?
Beneath the sheeting banks of air
That barrenly bore our rations?'

he says to Her
"you used to poke me
and whisper to me in the middle of the night
to tell me things that you'd just thought of
that you thought were so funny

now i wish i spoke the language of soil and wind better
so that i could perhaps laugh again
instead of cry
when woken by you"

he says
"i forgot how hard it is being the only black mormon"

'When I could speak it was too late
Didn't you hear me calling?
Didn't you see my heart leap like
A pup in the constant barley?'

they mention to him
that life is long
he says "i am aware"
they can see then that they have scalped him for the night
and perhaps most the next day

his second and third wives emma, carol
they see
when he's weight-lifting a smile

they are not broken

when they make love
it is giving

but their husband
is a donut

he is not lying
when he says why he has not been sealed, Eternally wed, to them
yet

to raise the population of his section of the celestial kingdom past two.
((well, at that point in time, past one (She has been waiting, patiently).)

he does not necessarily believe he is lying
when he tells emma
that perhaps one day, he will be ready

carol has never really thought it to be true
she just
loves him enough

to let death do them part.

he has a daughter
with his second wife
his daughter loves him
his daughter loves mother more
his daughter cannot stay
here
or Ever

at a certain point, he never sees his daughter again

emma leaves first
takes daughter with
emma does not wish to die here

soon after
carol, too, finds the house too big
or small
to love even the loveliest donut

tongue always slips into his hole
one can only kiss a void
so many times
before the crumble becomes them

'In this new life where did you crouch
When the sky had set to boiling?
Burnin' within; seen from without
And your gut was a serpent coiling'

when Her earthly body has the life struck from it
it is in front of him
they are twenty
inconsidering
he'll need decades to figure out
the right last words to her

they are:

"if the demons snarl at You
with their debilitating asses

tell them niggas
who You is

the One,
the Queen,
the Axis

if the demons snarl at you
with their de-magnifying glasses

tell them niggas
who you is

the One,
the Queen,
the Axis"

but in the moment
it is a solitary choke.

and Her last words
were a jumble of teeth
vibrating
from an exclamation point

Her mouth wouldn't make it open
until it already had no light behind it

'Stand here and name the one you loved
Beneath the drifting ashes
And in naming, rise above time
As it, flashing, passes'

when the man passed away
he did not remember the name of the Person
he was going to see

but his hands and eyes were open
when they found Him

~

the title of that show I Used To Be Fat

2011-02-16T15:49:00.000-08:00

so you start to lose weight

then fuck up, stop, gain it back,

and forget about it

for a while

besides slight little brain pinches

in the mirror

or from the sidelines of conversations

but then...

you Like someone,

at the right time,

probably the wrong someone,

which will be why-

they don't like you back

like

that

call that shit out as the last straw

get motivated

get kinda craaaazy

start to lose weight

action marker snap take 100

lose weight

feel even more up and down at all times

lose more weight

like,

someone tells you "wow have you been losing weight?

you look great!"

and depending on the way

the shadows in your brain had acted in the mirror this morniing

either feel like

"oh, awesome. that means i'm at a good place"

or like

"i KNEW that people would start noticing when I lost weight.

I should lose more. so far from where I could be"

you're like manic, man

it's like you got a magic in your eyes

people are asking you shit like

your friend's brother

like

your friend's dad peeking his head around

the corner in interest too

because they all, everyone all

wants to know

"like, how'd you do it?!"

and you trickle out the same answers

the same mock humility

you found it, man

the key

if only

if only

they had that kind of self-control

.

"no, just cheese is fine"

.

and maybe that person you liked likes you back now

maybe they don't

but -somebody- new likes you now

you're the shit now

you talk to people differently

you only listen to Prince and The-Dream

you cut, your hair, man

it's a new you

it's a new dawn

it's a new day

and you're feeling good until

i dunno

like that girl wants to get with your friend instead of you still

cuz like duh your friend is skinnier than you still

i mean, you stopped

and sort of went back to your old diet

but you know you can turn that SWITCH back on at any time

so like whatever

but anyway

so your friend is still like twenty pounds lighter than you

or whatever

like all of your friends are!

and they still dress better than you, even the NEW you

and like because you and this person

reaaally vibed with each other

and they were closer to you than the rest of your friends

you were certain

that like the only reason you guys had never hooked up

was because you were fat

and you've got a cute face

you were a cute, skinny baby

you know that

so like what the fUCK is the deal now

and it's like all the doors you thought

would be newly opened

with your deep loss

well a lot of them were totally imagined!

...

gain that weight back.

.

watch those new clothes

become unfamiliar exes

stop eating the week before your girlfriend comes back

for winter break

'i mean, not like on purpose

[your] stomach just won't like

digest things properly

so [you] can't eat

i know how it sounds'

your girlfriend is so beautiful and smart and interesting

there are going to be so many people hitting on her at school

all of them beautiful, smart, interesting

they will put your ass to shame

x

the night before,

be anxious

x

the night after,

be reminded of how

kind, gracious

she is

she didn't wretch

when she saw you

or kiss differently

Sammy Sosa, or I know they didn't mean it, or no one ever means it

2010-12-20T12:31:00.000-08:00

11/18/09

I mean, of course, there is no breaking point
without cracks

when I was ten I had never been called
a nigger in my life;

when world opened it's mouth
it didn't have to say that word,
a word,
it breathed it
like a gas

that would seep into my eyes and ears
wisping projections
of skateboards and spiked hair
rock n roll and flame shirts

five years later
I sat on a couch
as the n to the r
slithered out of the pale mouth

of the boy who owned it
again and again
like he was regurgitating medusa

his eyes cool
his mouth set like a pitbull in a hammock

I sat
stone and sad
like he was regurgitating medusa

and suddenly I didn't really want to finish the game of halo

and I saw my mom looking at me
and I saw my grandma
and I saw my brother Paul
who in between "faggots"
would remind that "them honkeys
don't care about [me]"

there was a door behind me
and a door in front of me

figuratively

the door behind was maybe also literal
as in, I say "Fuck You." throw the controller
throw open his front screen
get on my bike and ride away
from the white burn of beverly

but what I wanted to prove
was something different than what was inherent
in that scenario

the door in front of me, the silent one, was a----'s beautiful self
was the big hugs she would give to me
that the other black boys in my class didn't get

because I wore polos not fubu
because I knew who coheed was
because I commented her xanga
because even when the aeropostale
hoodies got a little bit too triangular
I could be counted on to shut the fuck up
and laaaaugh or joooooke

like when later that summer
her fourteen year old lips slurred
"manny, I love you! you...you are a super nigger."

which is close enough of a relative to
the "coolest black person I know" title
that if they fucked the child would have three eyes

"ohh, haha, thanks aubrey. could you give the phone back to josi?"

the next day,
when my parents happened upon her AIM apology
I can't remember anything they said
in the subseqent talk they gave me

so used to immediately, completely
rendering every word blank as pavement
as they charged toward me

I leveled each and every "you need to re-assess your social life",
threw them over my head
with the force of a hopeful, stupid boy ram

and continued pin cushion.

on St Patrick's Day
I rose to shake JJ's dad's hand
he let out a chuckle like a shotgun blast
something like
"UH-OH, HIDE YOUR STUFF
MAKE SURE HE DIDNT STEAL ANYTHING"

My eyes didn't hit the ground fast enough
for me to not see his grin
his "do something, motherfucker."

so I did.
I laughed.
his hand choked mine.

when meghan's neighbor
questioned me as I left out the back door,
tone five steps away from calling the police.

every gun joke
every ape joke
every rape joke

when m--- k---- called me a stupid fucking nigger
because my digital character
shot digital bullets into
his digital character
I shut the fuck up.

Sammy Sosa would rather be a ghost than a shadow.

What we will do to feel loved.

all of us

2010-12-12T04:03:00.001-08:00

like one day,
i'll just unhinge my jaws
and locusts will swarm from the cavity.
an infernal buzz
of all the doubt and fires you didn't know about:
the black fingers behind clipped sentences
or ones that ran onto too long-
babbling brooks of subconsciousness
trying to hide behind their own tails.

Who is Kristin Chenowech? Kristin Chenowech on "The Rosie O'Donnell Show" on 5/31/01

2010-10-23T14:42:00.000-07:00

"'Kristin' premieres on NBC- June 5th. And it's right after 'Frazier,' right?!" "I know! I'm so happy they gave us that slot!"

"Tuesdays, right after Frazier, so that's a -great- spot!" "Yeah!" "That'll be a -great- launching pad." "I'm very excited"

"How many episodes have you shot already?" "Thirteen!" "Thirteeeen!" "Yeah!" "Do you like living out in L.A.?"

"I do, the weather's -always- beautiful" *kristin looks out into the crowd for Applause, crowd Applauses, kristin claps back*

"Woo! It's great, I got a car! Which was kiiind of a big deal!" "Yeah." "Which is one of the reasons I hope the show goes [well]"

"so I can continue to pay for the car." "Right." *murmurings of laughter from the audience* "Did you get a swanky car? What'd ya get?"

*turns to the audience* "I got a really cool car, you guys."

Kristin is an American comedy television series starring Kristin Chenoweth. The series premiered June 5, 2001, on NBC.[1]

The show was canceled after six episodes.[2]

lol

epilogue

2010-04-20T20:27:00.000-07:00

this is the last poem in my manuscript heaventeen, greateen, fineteen: graduation. I've deleted most of the poems from this blog that will be in that book. I hope you enjoy this sample of it. the entire thing will be available to you soon, so stay with me plz. : )

---

I met Kristina
through Cydney and Kiana
I didn't really talk to either one of them
when we went to Keller
(I think Cydney came back
to visit her freshman year
for a Friday Family Fun Night
and we played volleyball
and I tried to flirt with her
and failed
[she doesn't remember this happening]

and

during morning recess
in 7th grade
I noticed that Kiana
had on a t-shirt
dressed with the logo from
the [still perfect] 2004
self-titled blink 182 album
which I loved
and she had a rep
a rep that gave me a 12 yr old boner
and so I was like "hey I love blink 18twooooo"
but she was talking to Gabe
and Gabe was hotter than me
so I failed
[she doesn't remember this happening])
but they knew how hard it could be
in high school, especially the shitshow
that was Morgan Park

so as far as they were concerned
as soon as I walked into those gates
it was all Family.

when Cydney saw me, she was surrounded in friends:
her own ever-orbiting social solar system
she shouted "emanuel!!!!" or "mannyyyy!"
(I can't remember which, either way
to my heart, it sounded like Luke shouting "I'm here to rescue you!" to Leia through a crowd of Girbaulds and 3X tees)

and she broke through the planets and space dust
and hugged me so tightly
an embrace that didn't let go for the next three years
(an embrace I miss a lot./././)
and her planets and space dust all scanned my face
registering it
picking the folder out of the black void fly riddled trash bin labeled FRESHMEN
as she told them how cool I was
and sliding it onto a shelf titled COOL FRESHMEN (...?)

and I think I may have met Kristina
the same day I met Paul and Symone
and the rest of the Blue House gang
Kiana led me around
like I was Buzz Lightyear

and I was dubbed "The Freshie"
and Paul said he just really liked my lips

and indeed later, Paul would feel my lips
(the first time, I didn't want it
and didn't tell him so he could save face
the second time, I did
but didn't tell anyone else so I could save face)

Kiana and Paul broke up (so many gay people in heteroships)
and she started dating Ryan
and Ryan would drive her around a lot
and her crew, and it was one of those situations
where he was kiiind of a huge asshole some times
but he seriously drove us around all the time
so what can you say! you know!

and sometimes it was me and Kristina in the back seat
and she had a rep
a rep that gave me a 14 year old boner

people who hadn't heard me referred to as The Freshie
would always be like "oh I thought you were older than me!"
I don't remember if Kristina was one of those people
but if she was, it would have been double funny

because she always treated me like a kid
no matter how hard I tried to prove to her that I wasn't
I'd try to find a way to make an arousing double entendre about the cinnnamon roll
one of us was tearing up as Ryan blasted
Corrosion of Conformity or something
(if you don't know who CoC are, honestly,
the name says it all)
and I'd, you know, fail

and she'd smile
she'd just always smile
and bat me away like a ball of yarn
and keep smiling

and as the years went on
I'd see her less and less
and maybe she wouldn't be smiling as much (how narratively beneficial)

which is kind of what happened
to a lot of the Blue House kids
(/a lot of the MPHS kids)

I think she did Gallery 37 in the summer
I remember there was a picture of her and Paul
on G37 Cross-Dress Day, his head thrown back his skirt high, his
fishnetted leg wrapped around
her baggy jeans and white tee

the kind of activity my friends who sorta knew Paul
would laugh at because Paul's basic instinct to us
seemed to be to just go over-the-top as fast as possible
it looked like he was moaning in the picture, go figure
and she was smiling, if I remember correctly

the last time I saw Kristina
was at the Last Real GSA meeting
(by that point
they had just devolved into
20 minute semi-structured semi-engaged conversations
ending with the far more important task of kids finding which
member(s) of the same or opposite sex
they wanted to jerk off or eat out in an empty classroom)

but We didn't know it was the last one then.

actually, the Real Last meeting
was when we all came to Mr. Fitz's room
maybe even the very next Wednesday after that
to just end up talking about Kristina's accident

and who was with her in the hospital
and what she said to them
and what they said
and who pushed who
and when she was coming back to school

At the Last Real meeting
I, the President of the GSA, was going on
about the Imus controversy
I think I was pretending to ask questions
but probably just trying find the all ways
to get people to shit on Imus and old white people
when I pointed at them
that made me sound smartest

I really don't think I had seen Kristina in weeks
but she was there a desk from the front
by the wall
by herself

and she said "No"
and I didn't understand
she said she didn't care
whether someone called her a nappy head ho or a bitch or anything

because people were -always- going to say something about what they considered you
but as long as you knew who you were
it wouldn't matter

I...I was the President
and she sonned the shit out of me
and I stammered and choked, still the child

the next time I heard from her
she'd made a facebook note
about how everything was so fucked up
and might never be right

she didn't tag me in it

I commented anyway
wrote that everything is always changing
and life will go on and anything is possible
of becoming better

if not the day before, it was the same week
she threw herself out of the moving car*
and the long process of her death began

two days before my sixteenth birthday
the weeks of rumors and bullshit
(*I honestly still don't really know what
the fuck happened)
turned out to be rumors and bullshit

and during Art, the intercom
said she'd died
and my friends sitting with me
got up and walked out of class

and one of the seniors made fun of them
as I picked up the jackets and things left at the table
and followed after

you could hear the screaming from very far away
in the office in the corner of the building
filled with children
either screaming
or not saying anything at all

We were so happy to be alive
to be together at the funeral
she loved everyone

the dozens of people I don't
see anymore

I forget about it all sometimes
then a facebook note or event
will ask for a moment of silence
on her birth or death day

Dan and I got into a photoshop war
with our myspaces
I would find embarassing things from his xanga
or his ex-girlfriends xanga
and place a giant vagina where his head should be

he would copy and paste some of my poetry from freshman year
next to a picture of black and white Conor Oberst
with a speech bubble going "Wow...that's deep"

I'd make fun of his prepubescent "kissed a boy today. woops!" entry
or list how many times Aubrey's "had sex with dan today" posts
would interchange with
"broke up with dan today" within the course of a month

So when we were all gathered together
and showing everyone how funny the picture of
"me" getting a load shot on me by a room full of guys was

Dan's comment under that one came up, and I backed away from the screen and said "ohh...ohhh shit."

and no one understood

my gigantic superimposed head
was pixels away from Paul's lipsticked lips
and the arms that weren't mine
held up his fishnetted leg
as it wrapped around the body that wasn't mine

I don't think it's really any body's anymore

there's no resolution to be found here

I look at the pictures on the We Love You, Kristina! facebook group
and am at the point now
where I am realizing
that the almonds staring back
are now younger than me
and always will be

they're a kid's.

and that might be why I wrote all of this out
because I tell people that if you just write things out
it can really help you make sense of things

but here, it's just pawing at a glass box
that's shrinking smaller and smaller

there's nothing here anymore but stories

I texted Cydney an hour ago
shortly after I started writing this
it's been a long time

Exhibits

2010-01-23T16:17:00.000-08:00

"Exhibit C" and "Exhibit A"
originally produced by Just Blaze

When I was on the train
coming back from Morgan Park High School
my brain was weighed with
guns and chains
not the kind you see on TV
the kinds that come off and out
when fourteen year olds
is getting heated
it's been two weeks and
we ain't got no fucking IDs
lockers or textbooks
announcements on the intercom
like "this kid got this took"
right after school
right outside school
hitting it to the bus stop
looking over shoulders
cops not quite enough protection
even though the motherfucking school's
adjacent to the precinct

and I don't even live on the west side
but I
know them white families
not so subtly disappeared
when my parents and my brother
moved in about a year 'fore I was born
when the coloreds showed up
that's when them colors start showin
till the only white person on my block
was a stubborn middle ager who ain't trust us
with his grandfather's house

who on more than one occassion
came outside to threatened us
with a shotgun

meanwhile the corner stores
got neon LIQUORS popping up
right above Lottery

at a rate equal
to the amount gunshots
bustin off at open gyms

my brother losing friends
tryna find peace in religion
you can diss jehovah's witness
but they might've saved his fucking life

look into his eyes
and tell me that I'm lying

so I'm in a cafe
while this nigga Clinton
got tears welling in his vision

he a goofy
I ain't never take em serious
freshman year he used
say slick shit to my girl
when we was dating
and she a play em off
like homie was just being dopey

and it's cool I'd be joking

but this junior year
he sitting here
talking quiet as I ever heard em

talkin bout them niggas
who just killed his guy Milk
the third time I done seen
children fucking screaming
in the hallways

and he sayin he can't describe
how he feel inside
said "my chest just feel like hollow heat"
but he know he finna ride
on every motherfucker
that he see
mighta had somethin to do with it

so every time that a white kid from my dorm's
going on to me about the difference between
a nigger and nigga

for every time my brother's knee blows out
and he's laid up in the house
cuz he can't afford the hospital

for every time I'm at my desk wit a pen
but its frozen because I can't possibly
think of what to write to Randy

Homesick, First Semester of College. Changing Them to You, in a Dream.

2009-10-25T12:11:00.000-07:00

dear friend

I haven't touched anyone since I got here
and I don't mean fucked

I mean

a flurry of handshakes
and two hugs
are the only tallies for my extremeties

and that's why I cried
in your arms
the last night
before I left

because I knew
it'd be the last chance
to wet someone's shoulder
for a very
long
time

maybe if I was really desperate
I would start making myself
throw up when I drink
that'd do it

someone'd hold me
and carry me up
my pain soaking their sleeve
and I'd be able to tell them
I loved them
and mean it!

it'd be just like home
and they'd take me to bed
and I'd say "stay

lay here with me.

let's
see
if we could have
the same dream"

and they would say
"no.
even if we did

they'd be equations
with different solutions"

I'd say
"your face is at the top of my mountain"

and they'd say
"you are a

pretty high summit!
such a polite summit"

I dream like a dog

you dream like a football game
in Best Buy

and you'd say
"you can't even behold my hues

and I'd say "ya
I only see two colors, duh nigga

but I like them shapes mighty much
and I can smell the God on you
all over you"

and you'd say "I earned this God"
and I'd say "I got a big tongue
and I'd love to use it if you'd let me"

and you'd put your hand on the back of my head,

and pet me.

and my mouth would go dry from lolling so much

and you'd say "you should drink some water"

and I'd say "I'm only thirsty for you!"

and it'd be too late in the night for you to think

that was cute

and you'd say "you should really drink some water. so you won't be so hungover in the morning."

and I'd say "I love you"

and you'd say "I know. You've said that a lot."

and you'd leave.

and I'd say "just like home"

and I'd say "I love you"

and mean it

and it wouldn't change anything

and the door wouldn't move

and I'd say

Just Like Home

Hold Down

2009-10-14T23:52:00.001-07:00

http://www.zshare.net/audio/673532225f761ffc/

At the end of days
I lay with your hands
in my mind
but not in mine

cant stand this

I thought
I could fuck
your heart
and its rings
into my fingers

I thought
way too much
wanted to dress the cover
not a spineless page

I'm soft
against your back

I'm lost
against your back

I light myself up for you
cant just keep it cool

givin yr heart to wild things
the more you do, the stronger

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1rDaLugULcg

2009-09-27T02:06:00.000-07:00

so what
they tell me to bury you
stuff you in an envelope

I've been trying to write my rapture
for almost a year now
it's felt like jerking at a lawnmower
the sputtering coughs of the engine
blue balling me
jerking and jerking
until my shoulder dislocates

see? see how funny that is?
remember when I dislocated my shoulder?
do you know why that happened?

and then I'll hold the cord in my teeth
pulling and writhing, waiting for the neck to go next

that's how it always is with these girls
my girls

they told me to bury you
you are making me sick now

but that's how it is

Alex and I sat at a poetry show
crying over the cords around our necks

He and I have promised each other so many times
that we could give our nails the slip

I've got a special metal plate vrrrring behind my eyes

and I am seeing the pattern
that "CRAAAAZY" seems to be the minus to my plus

I give, you take

And when Alex and I were
on the phone the other day
comparing the threads
tightdressing our throats

I said

The worst feeling
is that you have to know
about the choke

I am absolutely sure
that you can tell
when you've slapped me into a tailspin

I'm trying to figure out

how big my slice of your day is
when you've ecclipsed mine
does a crying, chainsmoking Emanuel
ever come up on shuffle

does it ever cloud you, even a little bit
how horrible
how terrible

I'm too scared of death to keep secrets
It's why I write poems so much

It's why I can't pretend
that certain things are not precious to me

and if I could eat potatoes
and be happy
then spuds it would be

but it's only knives that
keep my dick hard
these days

trying to follow the pieces back
to find out where this shit came from

but in the mean time
I am lonely
and I like sharp girls

and you are gutting
ripping through
idling time until your Big Love
can come and satisfy you

until then, I guess
you can unstring me, curious, bored
and peek at the insides of my skin

and blush the color of my blood
covering your cheeks and teeth

treat every piece of my quaking heart
like a sunflower seed

what am I to you

BBB

2009-09-16T22:24:00.000-07:00

tired of all these white girls
looking at me like I look at all
the other black boys

seems to me this complex
is psuedo oedipus shit
I constantly reevaluate
but still I can't get rid of it

I make eye contact
with the shorties I pass
inside and out of class

testing my self esteem
stretching to see if
me is as attractive as I think I is

but when I pass niggas
eyes hit the floor
like shit
dont even talk to them

and it is
kinda ridiculous
cauz I just wanna kick it
but I can't bring myself
to strike up conversation

pretentious
kid what you waiting ferr
scared that they gon judge you
like you be be judgin them

everything is a challenge
cant think of nothin to say to him
but in the mean time
you just fine
with them light
boys and girls

dont na'an one of them kiddies care bout you
listen to yr own words

On a moment to moment
I pray that it won't hit
but I still get the feeling of threat
it's emotional physical
grossly cyclical
and I swear I fucking hate it

I love but don't like you
and here I dwell
with people who feeling the inverse
towards me, trust me, their teeth
dwell under the pleasant smiles
and hand-down words

One too many niggers got spit
one too many nerves got hit
but I'm so scared of being alone
I muffle the surge in my bones that says

"You better tell these niggas where you came from
the course of making Harriet run
show them Angela, show them Malcolm,"
instead I show them Carlton

"What you be listenin to Saul for?
What you read James Bald' for?"

Oh, to say you did
when someone ask why you only be w/ white kids
sooth your conscious
boy be honest
if you hate your nest just say the shit
play Are You My Mother with skin
and dont be surprised when you get that SNORT
HA You must be good at sports
You would excell at physical work
I know you aint get your feelings hurt
sike, you know we was joking right?
WRONG
Word to my nigga Demi
I'll be goddamned if I let them send me
off like that
you den lost yr shit
if you think I'm finna get ran like this

I'M MAD INDIGNANT RIGHTEOUS STRENGTHENED
I'M BEGINNING TO TIGHTEN MY FISTS
OPEN MY THROAT, TO LET THEM KNOW THAT THAT IS IT
THEY AINT NEVER DEALT WITH THIS
THAT'S WHY THEY'ON WANNA UNDERSTAND IT
BUT THEY GON GET IT NOW, BOY
nigga calm down you know you ain't gon do shit

why are you so scared of yourself

because I think they are too

+

2009-09-08T01:40:00.000-07:00

going to have nails all over my body
clinging to this
clawing against
dug in deep
coursing
pumping
sending
planting

so when I am sucked out

there'll be my name
if not the letters
then the blood of it

I love you so much

that's all I can think
when the empty peeks its head around at night
like "nigga...any time."

casting a light
blazing everything temporary and hollow
like "don't you have enough of that?"

and yeah. I do. so that's why I haven't committed
to this rot in light speed to dirt gross shit.

I just.

I just don't fucking have time for it.

and all I can think

is I love you
and I want to show it to you

that's all I can think.

IS

2009-09-05T02:59:00.000-07:00

http://www.zshare.net/audio/65098329eefa3622/

I can make you like
I can't make you love me

I can make you call
I can't make you listen
when my side starts
that is when the conversation ends

it's cool
I love hearin you
the sway in yr voice is like soup in my chest

you are the ruler
for the back of my hands

a fleeting projection
of what it'd look like to stand
if this skeleton
could muscle and bless

I wouldn't know what I was saying
even given a sentence

I haven't earned
the apples you lay
so the worms in their means
are only natural, I say

when the fire tilts toward
my unwitting face
and burns tears out
it was my fault, okay

my eyes perspire
till my chest is too tired
to heave any harder
alright, I'll try higher

you are the hook from the mire
lifting me into the sun
burn comes with the light
I understand
it's required
must

I can make you like
I can't make you love me

I can make you touch
I can't make you trust me
every crumb of white truth
is considered swollen lucky

I'd do anything to keep this stream
from rupturing
every sweet I gleam from your mouth
is a blessing

I can keep my mouth,
but not my eyes from running
I know the edge is coming
my indent will be sucked in

leaving vague prints
fragile frame of comparison

I just wish you could look me in my eyes
before I'm washed sand from your life
instead I've got text and a slight

cold feeling that I'll be gone with the night

til a day becomes week a week becomes a month
and years disppear in the wake of what is coming

for your wide open beautiful eyes
I am just a step
you are the bar

There's always other boys
there's always other boyfriends

There's always other girls
there's always other girlfriends

I'm just a needy kid
you are on yr grown shit

It's out of my control
It is what it is

[boys and girls in america]

black joex

2009-09-01T22:43:00.000-07:00

I can't believe this motherfucker just said some shit like that to me I should have squashed it last time this is so embarassing oh godddd I cant look him in the eyes or her or him how can they not see how humiliating this is I thought you were better or at least knew better my face is burning you do NOT know me like that get up get up let them know dont let this happen again again again but what if things get awkward what if makes it weird between everyone I dont want to feel even more alone dont want to be touchy black guy just want to be one of the guys clearly I am not one of the fucking guys and should not want to be get up god damn it I hate being alone I miss them so much if they were here they would tell you what to do she would tell you what you know you should do it is not worth it shit is only going to get harder get up now or dont ever say shit let them know let them know

they think I am still sitting here
because I don't care

they are wrong

but the opportune moment is
a car speeding off

my thoughts need to catch up
I need to catch up

I am going to catch up to it
claw onto the trunk
climb up to the roof
and rip that shit off

please don't say anything like that ever again

bump

2009-08-28T15:27:00.001-07:00

http://emanuelwrites.blogspot.com/2009/05/passion-pit_31.html

ways and things:
where we never get tired of second-person

[i 'unno]

2009-08-28T15:13:00.000-07:00

at least I'll be honest about my lying:
I hide poems from you.

I tuck them away like buzzing phones during sex
push them back in, like garbage pressing from inside a bulging closet
bulging like my my cheeks while trying to wrap these appetent words in my tongue

shrugging like "[i 'unno]" with mouth and eyes full
of things I just can't let stream out

lest they damper our fine run

lest they make this tightrope too slippery

Get up.

2009-08-28T15:03:00.001-07:00

I'm always trying to make eye contact
when your looks are running away

it's like how I try hardest
when a back is turning my way

I think if your eyes
hit me back
while I was trying to connect

it would set these lids on fire

or I feel that way. I don't actually think it,
because that's a stupid thing to think.
but it feels that way, it is a terrifying prospect.

I think I know why you would never let our eyes lock:
because it's asking too much of you

"I'm not that good of a liar. this is way out of contract"

I know, I know
there's a limit to how much you can portray;
that those fingers love mine
as much as mine do yours

but you know, you know
I like to pretend too

I'm sorry for teasing the curtain
I'll behave, I promise

now, say it again. say it for me.

forge me another smile

like a sweet food
for pleasing my mouth

before the light can hit it
having the heat
turn its hollow insides out

hey

2009-08-26T21:04:00.000-07:00

you, hook crooked into the gums of my Will
jerk me up and out
of socks and shoes

I have a blueprint in my bag,
designs for a "Thank You"
much more illustrious than what
the meager supplies I currently possess could construct faithfully

so here it is:
a placeholder

a little wooden figure
stuck together with spit
by my fumbly hands

they'll steady one day
and the ode they'll sing...

just you wait!
you'lll see!

warp records

2009-08-26T19:11:00.000-07:00

one by one
they came straight out of her mouth
brushed my ears
stuck my eyes
rested on my chest
where my arms could wrap and hold them tight

"they shake me deaf and dumb"

I showed her exactly how to do it
with tongue lolling
head hanging back

her affection was a hammock
for my heart
tied between my balls
on a string that flicked
in and out like
old tv

"it was so clear to me, that it was [] invisible"

they were beautiful

for so much time
they crawled into cuddled into my hungry arms
like little children dolls

as moons and days seasons and paths passed

I stood there, sight warped around her face
loved by the sand of her voice

while her hands brushed against and through other legs
in what was dark to me

while other fingers
cowled around her shoulder and collar

beautiful gorgeous gifts
with my name all over them
emanated

"wretching pennies in a boiling well"

the figures in my hands
began to fit oddly against one another
warping in the heat

until they began to split apart
like flowers
or scabs

and her shape remained the same
but the colors sickened

and her teeth began to be sung out to me too
and they submerged into my skin
and twirled themselves
fanged drills burrowing into veins
flinging in the currents
till they could sink into
where it all came from
she wants it all

she has plenty of rows
for motherfuckers like me

and when they sink
I will, too

under the weight of these splitting damning twisting words
barbed in my embrace

this is a funeral.
this poem is a eulogy

NOT ON MY WATCH

and I am watching now

wai
nah
no
ah'm
nah't
y're
duhn

get oudda my sight
get offa my buddy list
get oudda my contacts

over,
again

"the next time you say forever"

2009-08-26T19:06:00.001-07:00

the next time you say never
I will kiss you on your face
/
just because you didn't mean it
doesn't mean I won't believe it

---
but that's what you were banking on, hunh?

lyrics I wrote for my noisy garage psych pop band from california, Black Bats

2009-08-21T14:30:00.000-07:00

waste my head in a line of smoke
you ain't got what I need
to feed these hands

chase my head in a wood of smoke
will you meet me there?
could you meet me there?

waste my head in a line of smoke
how come I breathe so true
in this case

chase my head in a wood of smoke
now come and bleed yr
worries to me

this case
don't leave no room
for bullshit

this case
just takes
your heart's first bones

this case
don't leave no room
for bullshit

this case
just takes
and takes
and takes

it all
just takes
and takes
and takes

furbelow

2009-08-19T11:01:00.000-07:00

contrary to statistical belief

I don't enjoy being a spade dug into in a desert of white

on principal
/
white shit. poop.
/

gonna burrow through these sands
til hue is indiscernible
past hard rocks
and swirling stubborn refuse
til I find
something good to drink

ahhh the REALest monsters, nigga!

2009-08-19T01:36:00.001-07:00

these wandering monsters held me
in their palms

as I yammered, my chest and nose swollen
crying

"hey

HEY:

every time you breathed
it stamped a wave on this clay
lodestars for my love
you let me hang on the fur
of your back
dragging along till my feet could steady
into the clomping stagger you see today
but now it is like big hands letting go
of a tiny waist to let the wheels ride
freely

for every dot I see,
you will be whales
in my heart
swirling, booming beautiful
the echoes of your voices
vibrating across everything
giving it shape and coloring

so then, maybe you will be dolphins too
because you are massive in my being,
because the sound and song you make is gorgeous and all-encompassing
but also because it is the method by which I see all around me
(and also you are supersmart, and also you are good to my tongue)"

these wandering monsters held me
in their palms
I slept, woke, ate, and dreamed there

and they walked on and on
looking down at me
the smiles on their mouths
as big as my whole body

until one day,
the thumpthumpcrunchthump
of branches underneath feet stopped

and I stood up in my nest
and looked about,
we had come to the edge

They all stood shoulder by shoulder,
fuzzy monoliths in the night

and pointed out across the valley

I turned, staring up at their eyes
(like rows of glowing moons, but with pupils!)
climbed, reached up to stroke and lick
their lashes

and we whispered to each other

and then I ran back down their arms
across their outstretched fingers
and leapt

countdown

2009-08-17T21:14:00.000-07:00

wash me
cut my hair
steady my head

soft

draw lines across my body
like kind little braille books to examine
for when the lights are shuddering messes

in slow motion

I want to watch you dance
in slow motion

shimmer all around
sight races up the sky

this is it

only natural light

2009-08-17T20:56:00.000-07:00

there is a room that is a full heart

i w s

2009-08-17T20:47:00.000-07:00

behind the dark, heavy curtains
we are raining

behind the dark, thick curtains
we are lighting up

sparking, sparkling
like hail on the inside

a mouth crackling, with smile
like pop rocks

sweet, simmering

listening

2009-08-15T07:41:00.000-07:00

I am sorry

for someone to look to me,

for all that is thrown up and out
to drift into dead air
maybe with an affirmative grunt poked in
every while

pretty much just so we both
know my phone connection isn't broken
again
/
I imagined myself much better at these things
when I was listening to Evanesence
I figured:

I could make people start laughing
ergo
I could make people stop crying

the personal career I laid out in front of my pre algebra self
was streams of milk and blue sky

just wanted to help
/

that was a long time ago.

/
I envisioned a cape of ego

I envisioned Fixer

those were stupid, stupid things.

based off a series of
televisioned facsimiles

baby baby baby you aint never lived a day in yr life

/

I have a friend my age who still holds those superman dreams

I wouldn't dare indulge that fantasy: break down
humans to projects

but

God

Damn It,

At This Point

I just wish I had more to say than "mm"

gastroparesis

2009-08-14T20:38:00.000-07:00

sit down
have some food

now
I know
you weren't really mad

you couldn't have been surprised

don't look at me like that

you knew these eyes had feet

that's why you chased in the first place

this monotheistic bullshit

I'm the selfish one?

perimolysis

2009-08-14T20:03:00.000-07:00

it is the sound

of a a drain

shredding through the night

or

a metal box, full of fire

wisping all thrown into it

into only dark air and powder

(if that is clearer to you)
//
again
I am not fond of direct conflict
-
I think that maybe
if I keep trying to stuff you down that drain
eventually my hand will snag on a knot
in your hair
and go down with,
whirred to formless blood:

anything being ejected
will claw for life, or spite
all the way out
//\\

I think

I am giving myself too much credit

I am not willfully excising you

I would like to believe that this is

like wrapping roots in my hand

and jerking a leech from it's home in the dwindling green

but maybe it is more like

me rolling a bit further down the bed

maybe it is like

me discarding old clothes

(they will pile pile pile
I will stumble upon them
in the basement [in your case,
it is my mini-feed]
and "tsk," like an asshole]

and huffing into the sunlight in my fresh pair of skinny jeans

as if things in the peripheral don't bite
//
I am shedding faster than I can coat

I will get caught mid-molt

in the jaws of a big Lonely beast

and be carried away into a tunnel of ice

I was walking on your Heart

2009-08-13T07:42:00.000-07:00

I just think of waves coming
swallowing
taking bit by bit

In anticipation,
there is trembling
mass amounts of trembling
shaking rumbling
growing louder

Looking up into the sky
expecting you,
only to find a wall of water
arching it's way downward
to me

Like a bird of prey

coming to dis integrate

coming to dis appear
these tracks

Oh man how I thought they'd be here forever
oh man how I forgot no tracks last
nothing lasts

//

I want so bad
to twist the resolution
of this piece

like the stem of a plant

so it can be looking up at sunshine

but it feels like there's an oven
around my chest
and I can't reach it

I don't want to leave this here
like, withered

I really don't.

un

2009-08-09T07:33:00.000-07:00

have tooo

slam face first into you

only way

to break the screen

you can't see it

but it wraps every word I put out

we were never friends

one day you'll figure that out

then

the barrier will be

too big to joke my way through

say too many flake

say not enough call

when my eyes turn back

they will be wet

you will be muttering behind thick glass

and then you will be gone

g

2009-08-08T00:25:00.000-07:00

following behind you
picking up feather
after feather

they are all stained wet red

you are staggering

down a boiling room corridor

the furnace is flushing the room with the sound of steam
almost loud enough

to drown the sound of you heaving,
the popping and curling in your throat

and the dripping from your skin

staining the feathers shed from your beat frame.

I speak too loud/get too close/think too hard:

and your head whips around

I see your teeth are grinding against each other
incessantly
your jaw cracks and cracks and

your face is all dark

except

your eyes are furious golden tunnels
ringing shrill burning shaking
me

I cannot move in their light stream

stuck

until you pull them out of me

and turn your taut veined neck back front

put your head back down

and go back to dragging yourself forward
back to leaking and dropping

and I can continue cleaning

call back

2009-08-06T23:03:00.000-07:00

I'll cup my hand over it
with a flame under
and heat and push and heat and push
until I can warp the image held therein

if this doesn't work
I will explode it
blow it out
till there are too many pieces

for a mind to breathe in
to reconstruct
a memory

nah
get it the fuck away from me

I bolted
it dangling behind me
attached by a dark cord of viscera
like a screaming dagger

throwing (pieces)

2009-08-05T06:51:00.000-07:00

hugging
with all the gait of a headbutt
/
thrown by tyson
in a bad dream:

just aaa reflex
just aaa memory can't get rid of

just soooome baggage to crack a
melon with

TOO CLOSE, MON

many ways/ chasing

2009-08-04T22:57:00.000-07:00

older and lighter

with a phone

that is newer and darker

both of them are less weighty than what I have to offer

lefty

2009-08-02T09:38:00.000-07:00

Last night
you were trying to send me messages
I was too tired to receive them

I'm awake now

staring at a few too many lesions

every one like a petal of faith plucked off
and laid quietly at our feet

I think the wind will come soon
and wash them away

The Right Time:
the two hands on this clock
roll around of their own accord
bowing and sprinting in separate seasons

honestly
it's a shock that they sync up even twice a day
and funnily enough,

it seems that whenever
they do come in range

one or both has their head turned
the other way

passin' by

but time does not change. it will wear you
like a beautiful new dress from a corner boutique

wear you

like a hand clicking, clicking, against the same
gear
until it finally decides to softly remove itself
from your face

worn

"some hearts bleed"/ a resolution (even though we know how those often go)

2009-08-01T07:24:00.001-07:00

know I can't get rid of the shark on my heart
so I will peel you, little pirahna
fang by fang
off of my lungs

I can not let you suckle anymore
breaths from me

I know how you work
you've told me your secrets
I know your plays

and regardless of your promises,
I see your fabled Xs and Os (XOXO)
running all over my body
like red ants
like crazed gravediggers
throwing passes

throwing passes
shaped like carrots
for my hungry hands

I catch them
and they will have fuses
quickly sinking away
hissing hissing
like killkill snakes

sinking away
into the volatile black
on the inside

and I'll look up into the camera
"why that's not a carrot, that's DY-NO-"

BOOM (boom pow)

my face is already blacker
than usual
I spent the weekend at the beach
almost drowned
buried myself in sand
alone.

this is not a metaphor.
but it is about to be.

I'm eighteen now
I am: Independent

I am perfectly capable of doing all these horrible things
to myself now

with no outside assistance

there's a shark on my heart
and I can't really afford any distractions
when dealing with that many rows of teeth
(shifting, whirring teeth, like gears,
leaping and then sinking in deep and then leaping, also like waves
unpredictable, hitting you and then dissipating before you can
even put a name to it, also also like a whirring phantom boxer
swinging and swinging at you and you flinch every fucking time
because you never know when her/his fist is going to become solid
and knock the shit out of you and sometimes even he/she will swing
and the fist will be in the process of passing through you and then turn tangible and you'll be stuck with a fist inside of your chest, maybe it'll sit there its fingers poking violently at your insides for a while before suddenly jerking tearing it's way out of your flesh and of course then continuing assault )

basically
what I'm saying is
I don't have any fucking time for you anymore.

thanks for the poetry.

washing washing away

2009-08-01T07:22:00.000-07:00

sometimes
dealing with you
is like being in the shower
when the water suddenly turns brown

hoping the lights will follow suit,
going dark

so I can go back to not worrying
about it
/
this rusting can be ignored

can't it?

vio

2009-07-25T14:46:00.000-07:00

watch from so far
that it looks like silhouettes
that it's all the same indistinct dark gray:
the knuckles
the blood

can't even see where it pools
from this distance

can't even hear anything
through this screen

and so when I get tired
I can lay back down
and roll over away

robbie q telfer party

2009-07-25T13:37:00.001-07:00

song:
http://www.zshare.net/audio/631534229c0c6709/

man:
http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/RobbieQTelfer?ref=ts

who's the handsome ass man
with the sweater and grand
ol spirit and hands
full of work and chances
for the young kids
just tryina make a difference
wit no place to start
who lifts up the spark?
who stand behinds the cart
with they hands on the bumper
tryin to be a human jumper cable
keepin it stable as can be
no matter the strain
on bones
ggravity can
suck the pink scarf
when the young coofie robbie q
pushes a son through the dark
delivers a daughter from the flood
with blood and calls and tears
and bruise he did it for you
I know he did fr me
can we slap some palms together
for this g r e a t man
goddamned would I be
if this feller wan't dere fr me
can't understate what yca
done did fr freedomdumbdomdumb

what if robbie suddenly
decided to disappear
what if he really got kidnapped
snatched far away from here

I'd fight for the motherfucker
slice through the night
bomb days for right for my knight
to return

so the least I could do
is give this man 5 minutes
right, isn't it? isn't it?

I mean the whole damn quarter of
of young chicago authors
oughta be applauded from
ceecee to luis avery
nikki, toni
a dream team of people
treatin us as equals
dedicatin theyselves
to service of childrens
but the mascot of dis shit
sports spectacles
and the man just kills
on the stage in so many different ways
bustin sides and heads with the things
that he says
thank God mikey heff
met this nigga at a jam
right hand of the program
helpin helm
the best slam in da world
along with encyclopedia shows
and professor fliggins
worthy takercarerofer kevin coval's baby
ay yo fuck robbie q
that nigga so lazy

he even tried to get me backstage
at the dirty projectors concert
and did I mention I met questlove and common
thanks to the dude
how could you ever be rude
to a man so true
so glorious
so beautiful
so immortal
so invincible
I think cupid's bow
shot him to the center of this world
I swurr, I swurr!

what if robbie suddenly
decided to disappear
what if he really got kidnapped
snatched far away from here

I'd fight for the motherfucker
slice through the night
bomb days for right for my knight
to return

so the least I could do
is give this man 5 minutes
right, isn't it? isn't it?

what if robbie suddenly
decided to disappear
what if he really got kidnapped
snatched far away from here

I'd fight for the motherfucker
slice through the night
bomb days for right for the knight
to return

they say you'on get them flowers
till you gone
well here's some flora in beat formmm

"thanks for being the
cranky old man most of
us were missing at home"
- sarah winters

what if robbie suddenly
decided to disappear
what if he really got kidnapped
snatched far away from here

I'd fight for the motherfucker
slice through the night
bomb days for right for my knight
to return

so the least I could do
is give this man 5 minutes
right, isn't it? isn't it?

what if robbie suddenly
decided to disappear
what if he really got kidnapped
snatched far away from here

I'd fight for the motherfucker
slice through the night
bomb days for right for the knight
to return

they say you'on get them flowers
till you gone
well here's some flora in beats for himmm

I just keep thinking of rubber gloves

2009-07-25T09:33:00.000-07:00

how you can get so much of me on your hands
and then discard with a breath

my bits
will congeal
and sit there
like a stone in my chest
and a : | on my face
like

. . . . . .

waiting

for your

2009-07-24T20:33:00.000-07:00

I don't like looking people in the eyes
when I talk to them.

I mean, I can

I do in short bursts

but it does not come natural

you have to have something over me

either I am trying to flirt with you
or you have the ability to ruin me

often, these are the same coin

lines along the same drill

---

I am often loud
but I don't like confrontation

I think I am open, but
I do not touch people often
and I don't like people touching me
unless they are a love
-
when I get hurt, minor or major,
I ball it up
and maybe spit a little angst
here and there

to ears and spaces far away from the offense
(like this blog)

---

I know you know these
so just
please
don't
press me
against the dirt

just because you can get away with it

keystrokes

2009-07-01T22:27:00.000-07:00

soft eyed and tangled
trailing stars that
keep outrunning
and swelling
right through my hands

told me it was gonna happen
but you know how sometimes
hope will saunter in front of the concrete
and shake a distraction

waiting for head to hit rock
and whistle back through the air
in a gorgeous little whiplash

and you can punctuate with song
"told ya so"

and I can sigh
back at the bottom of this

sitting,
twiddling thumbs in
rising blood

have fun dancing, y'all

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K5B-Om-sRDU

2009-06-01T23:12:00.000-07:00

I been sick to my stomach
burning underneath yr tantrums
say one glance from yr tongue
can cave a frame like this one

a kiss from yr grace
cakes a mood in thick paste
and triggers muscles
to puppet under it's layers
and shake in it's throes
and wither in its glow
or spring in its wake

guess it depends on the day

//

keep beating at this door
cause it ain't shit else out there for me
it get so lonely, if if only
I could listen when them friendlies told me
"back it on up, let it go, b.
let it go be"
but you don't see
that I'd rather have my hands raw filled with blood
than empty
rather wear myself out than atrophy
rather dust lungs holla'n at yr bricks
than waste a minute of voice
on some shit that can't counter me

say like, if I got it, then I don't want it
that's what I see boring. that's what I see death.
no want movement, if 'ready seent the steps
if there ain't no check, then I feel no bless
scars ay just rites of passage, yes?

passion pit

2009-05-31T11:21:00.000-07:00

a) you told me I was beautiful
but you would not fuck me

b)you told I me was beautiful
but I would never fuck you

c) you told me I was beautiful
and you'd stay by my side
but where is the accomplishment in that?

passion pressure
for the heels
passion pressure
for the holes

passion pressure
for the spots
in the field
that won't grow

passion pressure
for the real
passion pressure
for the roles

passion pressure
for the pits
in the field
that won't grow

you are so high
you are so warm
will you tongue kiss
me on my wax wings?
this morning my mirror intoned
no mouth would ever want me

I will taste the gum
off the bottom of this diamond
I been trying
so hard to catch a light
to heat these dumpy palms
burn through me
leave me gray
but lord, please touch me
trust me
I will swallow whatever ash you leak to me

I will have you under my hands
you will be framed within my fingers
and though the position will not linger
the prints of it stay
long after you haven't

I'm just a human.
I'm only human.
lift me/fill me for a moment.
give me something that I didn't have
in my room this afternoon
swoon these fragile teeth
sinking into your hip

I'll make a crown from your saliva
and until the moment of
evaporation in daylight
I'll mean mug straight in my reflection
hazed, and dripping in bruise
like "who the fuck you talking to?"

passion pressure
for the heal
passion pressure
for the whole

passion pressure
for the spots
in the field
that won't grow

passion pressure
for the reels
passion pressure
for the rolls

passion pressure
for the pits
in the field
that won't grow

3030 excerpts: part two

2009-05-28T19:37:00.000-07:00

spans!

the pigeon's body
was shrieking through the air
faster than it had moved in years

whatever it was speeding away from
was the blackest, vastest hold
that the bird had ever felt

Animals are not as smart as we, technically
but they seem to have a preternatural sense
to know when the universe is planning a swallow

Unfortunately, I think
that this bird was looking
in the wrong direction

I was taking a break from the day
staring at a cart of apples
when the little blue body whipped
into the pile of fruit

There was a muted thud
a snap like a knuckle
and a few feathers

that bounced into the air
like a man startled from rest
before rocking softly back down

"yo... life is sooo short"

Three talons and a nub
peered at me
poking out of the crowd of Granny's

______

ship

I keep seeing scratches on your smile
keep putting my head down
holding your hand tighter

_____

day out

Can't let you
kiss your way back into a wreck
you just wrenched yr head from

if my avoidance makes you think I don't care
trust me,
you got it all wrong, friend

____

Summer Storm

the darker and heavier our clothes got,
the opposite happened to our hearts

"and it rained all night and washed the filth away"

our feet got more and more stuck in shit and mud
as our temperaments lifted up high
and higher

ascending against the rain
to spiral around lightning strikes

mouths wiiiiide open
to make up for all the ol stole days of clenched teeth

everything is just sweat
hot and sticking
as we shed the cold alone of life citystuck

oh lord rinse it
oh lord let it flow down and away like tears,
with all tears made of anything but smiles

your body is made of only a shape and a smile
slapping around in the dark with me

oh lord

_______________

everything with you

I've got the beach in my eyes
I can't remember who was wearing the necklace that night
it probably would have looked better on you

we couldn't tell the difference
between the street lights and the stars

diving in the black lake
and finding you in it
over and over again

I've got the beach in my eyes
and nothing anymore for my hands
sand and water, formerly lodged
now freefalling away

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1KdkQv0FfI

2009-05-27T18:51:00.000-07:00

I have been trying
to break your heart
for so darn long
it is exhausting

break open
break into
////////////////////////////
what can I
hold here?

I imagine that when
I get my fingers in there
it'll feel like I'm running
them under a faucet

Company

2009-05-26T23:18:00.000-07:00

to deal with your death,
I keep being told
to think of you in Heaven
have faith, like my faith in God

the difference is
I have never had to actually deal
with the truth or falseness of God

(it had been an abstract debate
like global warming)

I have never smelled God's hair
God has never cooed to me from a bed
never sang with me

in response, I might be told that God is everywhere;
has always been around, and always will be

and again, I don't know if that is actually true
but I do know
that I never felt alone when you were with me

3030 excerpts: part one

2009-05-02T00:21:00.000-07:00

why hi high

shaking notes from my fingers
I'll tryyy to give them gloss for yeh
because yeah, I would love for your eyes
to lift me into the pantheon-
my pride would love that validation.
I'm pregnant
I would love for you to think my baby beautiful
but the most important thing is
I gotta get this motherfucker out of me

________________________________________

any mortal thing, tis that I may

I mean
it ain't funny
but what the heck else am I supposed to do it with it

like painting a body
in clown make up
post-blessings

because you know it's too hard to move!

like putting a looney tunes band aid
over a sputtering, gurgling rash
that looks like it's only smoking
deeper as the cycles go on

it hurts me just like it does you

I just don't like looking over at eyes
being eaten out by disuse

skin I've placed my lips to
scattering away
carried by worldwinds

so I'll put raybans on them,
I'll whistle along with the gusts
blowing hearts away

___________________

labels and heart hearts

I fell into the maw
with no rope to tug on

certain
that the light
I could see shining
deep

was the color
I'd been looking for
all along
*

felt like heading through dusk
toward a campfire

I could hear it crackling,
the absolutely uncommon burning

thought its breaths
were in the shape of
my name
*

in my frenzy, in my impatience
I threw my self into it

the embrace was sweet and quivering,
as if a wire was waiting to snap

I cautioned a smile,
with enough arrogance in it
to trigger:

it lurched,
pierced my stomach
like a heated pin,

bloodless
(alas, all hands would remain clean
even as my eyes could not
stop themselves from yammering)
and excruciating

it was a neon arrow
pointing right through me
almost like it was sticking its tongue out!

____________________________________________

thick and clear

through
rib cage
through
textbooks
through
real jobs
through
shinier new hands
through
NY
through
PA
through
OH
through
IN
through
september
through
october
through
november
through
december
through
january
through
february
through
march
through
april
through
may
through
june:

how many layers can our frequencies flow through
and after so much,
how loud will the ringing be
//
everybody gets scared of college,
our turnnnn.
//
thank God for video chat.
__________________________

another day, another

I was sitting on the couch with Alex
in YCA, not doing shit
Avery comes through like some kind of mad spirit
taking a respite from Nubian Olympus
to bless and confound us with a cameo
as he likes to do

Clothes black as skin, looking bad as his soul
stepping, dipping to the beat
Itchie is letting kick from the grates

Mr. In the Place to Be does his thing:

5 ft 4, maybe, and again, yes, dark as hell
but outshining every other motherfucker in the room
presence dust miting all in the vicinity

he slides in to Cece's office
and slides back out
looking around at all the ants
scuttling for pizza and light

I don't even remember if he was even turned in my direction
when he said
"Emanuel, how you doin?"

I smiled, surprised and gratified (I mean, let's be real here)
and said "Ahh, okay. Just trying to be happy."

his head swivels to me, with an emotion inscrutable:
it was maybe momentarily bemused, but nothing on his
face was dancing when he said

"Don't try. Just be.
Don't try, baby. Just be."

he lingered for a moment, savoring the way
the air spread out around his words
humming like seeded crickets,
then opened his mouth wide,
shining wild teeth in a knowing, glimmering grin
and step, dipped back out the door
back to the obsidian mount from whence he presumably came

****

I've been letting myself get choked.
Twisting and gutting my own body
under this grip
trying to sear my form
into a password
to make these fingers
soften
and thus validate me

but they can read
every lie like hounds.

sometimes, it's felt like
trying to keep secrets
from the sun.

****

Doubts are like carbon monoxide?:

Sometimes, you can find even a turd
in the right shape
the perfect shape;
a key
that will unlock all the butterflies
you'd been gassing to ash.

I don't know if what Avery said to me
had the same weight to him
as spitting off to the side of the road might

but damn if it ain't tugging at these bars
__________________________________________

family and friends (ending stories) (never ending stories)

2009-04-05T22:10:00.000-07:00

Spinning inside

effectively, they say,

she went to sleep
a long time ago.

I don't know how long it was
after I stopped visiting regularly

(you know kids don't give a shit about old people).

-
I still see her brother from time to time
and he is a Man

so when asked, he gives her status
with a face as steeled as a furnace door

I am confused by a code holding that it is not okay
to cry for a woman whose eyes pass from brother,
to child, to grandchild, to purse, to table
with the same staleness

-
I see her now,
skin that can't connect
to where its lines come from

spheres with only broken air
spinning inside
turning

**********************************

kristina

the last time I would ever speak to her
I was so angry

she didn't understand
or I didn't understand
(one of us...)

I was leading ("leading")
a meeting
discussing freedom of speech.

How could Imus
be allowed to say such hurtful things
and escape unscathed?

She told me
that she didn't care:

people were going to say what they wanted
and she was going to do what she wanted
in parallel fashion

'you can't cave for one word
because there is always a sentence
dirtier and sharper than what preceded

and you'll inevitably, eventually wind up
crushed at the bottom of their deluge.'

The anger that I thought was righteous
looked so...it looked like whiny paper

when trying to push up against her face
serene, planted
-
The specifics of how she lived before, what she decided to do after...
I couldn't begin to wrap them.

but the definition of that moment
will always sit as my image of her,
and a lift in my mind

**********************************

turning

there is a forest sitting inside
he has been chasing himself
for so long

I've watched as leaves have fallen
off of his crown

exposing the bark,
colored dark and burning
like the bottom of a sea
sickened with history's refuse
boiling, crushing pressure
who could clean here?

the fungus sinking and filling
the lines in his face

I cannot help him.
I cannot be near him.

the things he says
under the influence of his garrote
have proven far too noxious
for me

his words
far too ragged of a saw
that spares no marrow

all I can do
is hope that these wounds do not become infected

I am sorry, brother.

*********************************

I know what you said after I sent you this poem, but I still think you should have a baby any way, just in case.

Dan, this poem isn't near finished:

we raced to Jesse's car
trying to get shotgun
and somewhere along the way you slipped
and ended up hurtling full speed
slamming against the back of the van
with your entire body
like someone had punted a football
point blank at the tail pipe

you got up laughing,
you Greek statue of a nymph
ayyyyy, it's okay

That is you

That is always you,
we think

which is maybe why
we end up laughing
after a real stain of worry
fades across
thinking about the marks on your jaw

can't help but think about 29
chicago public school students

poems about them
always seem to get outdated
so fast

dan
you move
so fucking fast

we're still kids
God has slashed
dents and pockmarks
into our hearts
already

but not enough to where
we are willing accept
that (S)he might actually
stop one of them

so hahahahahahahaha

anti-/"Do you wanna come out, and explain THESE NEW SHOES?"

2009-04-05T21:58:00.001-07:00

ahhh, I keep changing shoes
to show my maturity
how responsible I have become

those ugly black ones
to the gaudy pink and blue Filas
(telltale signs of a baby boy trying to make himself
UNIQUE, etc.)
to the white and black Filas
to the gray Timbs
and up next: the sensible but stylish b/w supras

see, I have grown cooler! better!

but really, I keep changing the prints
while the whole time, the trail is still there, Emanuel! the trail!

just because you put those ugly shits in the closet
or threw them out the backyard
doesn't mean that what they crushed in your dance still
isn't lying there bleeding!

the pictures are there, and every pall
you try to cast over the exhibits
in the guise of time or midnight pledges
just fits to their form

an extra layer of proof

shaking its head
rattling
and scratching

an extra layer of proof:
yeah you fuck up, son.

I have these new Timbs though
and I step through dirt and mud and snow without a problem
coasting

With a Rusting, Dragging
tagged on a few footprints behind
(*hungry and gaining)

waiting for my smile to get so big
that it tangles in my stride.

and when it does...

well. karma collects interest.

oh, it will put it's hands over every fading little stain
and conjure them anew like atlantis of the flesh
mutated and nastier than ever, made of blades and mirrors

hooking because I know what I did I know what I did I know I know
I said I was sorry I just really don't know what else there is

because shit, what you said to me, I never would have said to you
but then, what I did to you, I never would wish on anyone

much less someone whom I "caaaaared" about. but I told you! I swear I told you, I was unfocused, unreliable, I told you this would happen!
I I

still tore you.

can't apologize a plague away
much less one lit by your own tongue

I swear. I will never let this happen again. Please let me go. Please.

________

*I wrote this poem before I heard the song "Porchlight" by Neko Case, but looking over both of them today I saw a lot of her lines speaking to the same thoughts included in here. So I consider them complimentary.

para ti

yusef lateef. the plum blossom.

2009-03-30T23:09:00.000-07:00

ahhh

just let it move
like reef

your fingertips

let them brush soft across these surfaces
picking up their textures

maybe scents of them
will be in the ranks
when you next exhale a chorus of your own
()

for the next time you hear me sing a song:

just know that an ink outline
of you
is printed inside my cheeks
reaching all the way down

8

you push these steps along

changeling

2009-03-15T20:43:00.000-07:00

you don't know

she would soon be resigned by gravity
the weight of small paint handprints
pressed and smeared across her skin

like hexes
of domesticity.

she lay in bed now, eighteen
thinking of this future
wondering how many little treasures she could leave for herself
while she was being pulled down this shaft
rope wrapped tightly
around her waist, her hips, her ovaries

steadily grinding wheel

to capital LoveCareerResponsibility

she rolled her eyes
and sighed

___

___

cut it outtt!

I watched it, coming
but it still hit me so fast
right in the mouth

I heard the light slap
of blood hitting the wall
and when I could make out shapes again

I stared at it
dripping down

and rubbed my face in it
and my body
and was so sick
and it was everywhere

and it was something
that I could coat myself with

nothing else
seemed to want
to have anything to do with my skin

so I'll take it

___

___

a poem for alex, or for Anyone

I am holding your hand

More importantly,
most importantly,

you are holding my hand

we are staring at the ground
waiting for it to bubble up
spit and slide apart

burst open like a shell
like the shell we've always hoped it was

and we can dive away from the feeling of worms
(feelings of worms)

and pour ourselves into it.

It will be like a strainer

and our clothes, and bumps, and homeworks, and
sorries, and every tongue that made us feel sick,
and every day of standing still, and our Hers,
and our bottom teeths, and and

can all be left sitting on the upside

beneath it, naked of all those crushing breaths

we will wind and flip through the veins
stretching our very own contrails
as far as we ever thought we could

and it will be a burning of More:
like thirsty flares

we will twirl and speed so fast
that I will look over at you
and all I will be able to make out
from the color and the rush

is a smile, hooking so far wide
I'd only seen demo'd before
in tickle fights

oh these canals will be so vast
to screech and flow through like air & our
reaching lungs

a pillow for the brows
to finally relax on to

a space
for us
all of us

chemical(s)

2009-03-10T18:34:00.000-07:00

never down

he got up
blasted onto her face
she shot juices on his in return

it's how they do

they go out the front door
faces and mouths dripping
telepathic headbutts to all who gander
gawk
especially the kids

Fuck the children.

they went through town like ghosts
unfettered, floating, fly
nodding to the ones who knew what was good

;see you later;

they stopped by the office
put their hands up, their eyes into the windows
so they could see all them fools
hardening

he and she were play'doh for life
were trickling snot for life
sick. nasty. natural as wind.
inevitable. and there whenever things got too cold

to remind you to guard your grill.

the sun set

Fuck the children

the sun set

Fuck the children

the sun set

;Yo.;

they partied so hard. partied so damn hard.

he was glimmering, sparkling to her.
she was flickering, shimmering to him.

_

am I ulysses? am I ulysses?

"no, but you are now, boy.
so sinister, so sinister

but last night was wiiiiiild"

I have never thrown up substance a day in my life
a night in my life(:)
I just lay, swirling
watching bodies beat and fuck

cut the bottom out of my red cup
and look through it
watching bodies
behind me
next to me
in front of me

isn't that all they ever do?

It feels like I've just been waiting to be told to stop holding my breath
waiting for the coil in my throat to unravel
but it just slides deeper
tightening its fingernails

the smile I see in the reflection looks so silly

_

morning

the wetness, and your breath
on the side of my cheek

it is one of those mornings:

we came out, and the sky was shroud
gray, moist all over

I always feel like I'm catching the world in the middle of something
some gorgeous transformation,
and then I fuck it up by looking too soon

I told you this, and you laughed
and you put your hand on on my face

it was cold from the grass

and you drew a line down,
a crossing swoop

a smiley face of water

"you baaaaaaaaaby"

lying there, the sun began to peek through clouds

and despite the scientific, logical reasoning
I had been weaned on through my late teenage years

I felt the change I'd been imagining in my head for so long.
it was all together
I felt drenched
I felt everything slide in perfect
like our fingers

that morning,
I felt the sun
and it felt just like you

_

attachment(s)

2009-03-09T13:55:00.000-07:00

Fire warms! Fire burns! Ooo! Oww!

I will take these black marks
over milquetoast on absolutely any day

So do not worry about me.

As surely as you did,
I chose which Shit I wanted to ingest very carefully

keep that in mind when we talk about these things.

____

"I mean every word I say in my poems"
I said
"I know," she said
"that's the problem"

It grows deeper

__

gadget marrterr #1 (aside)
I do not nod to most of my classmates
when I see them
in the hallway.

When I see them smile,
it makes me want to die for them

______

sorrrryyyy, I'mmm goingggg

Maybe he & she
see us
like I see my afro
Understanding: it grows deeper!

__

gadget marrterr #2 (aside)

I think my best friends can do anything
y'all can have my life

__

Sorry? No.

We are on the couch.

I look over at him
seeing if anything comes.
It does; a Little Warmth meets me
and spreads in my chest,
as I smile
and crawl over to him.

I place my hand on his thigh,
and kiss him on the neck
trailing to his face, his lips.

His hands take a second,
and then start touching.

I press myself against him,
giving all that I can tonight
to make up
for all the days
when I look at him
and feel nothing.

___

Help? No. (bursa aspirations)

I will not put my hands on you.
Even if I wanted to,
I would only get kicked in the teeth.

I will not put my hands on you.
but I will lay them here
for you,
like a towel.

(I chose very carefully.)

__