Sammy Sosa, or I know they didn't mean it, or no one ever means it

http://news.spreadit.org/pics/sammy-sosa-skin.jpg

___________________


Sammy would rather be dead.

which look in the bathroom mirror,
what was the commercial,
who was snowflake/caramel bar
that stole his girl
or his paycheck

that pushed his head?

40 years of "(...not good enough...)" was too much
so he'd rather spend the next 40 cozied with "(...what the fuck...?)"

who are the mouths and eyes
that sent sammy careening

I mean, of course, there is no breaking point
without cracks

when I was ten I had never been called
a nigger in my life;

when world opened it's mouth
it didn't have to say that word,
a word,
it breathed it
like a gas

that would seep into my eyes and ears
wisping projections
of skateboards and spiked hair
rock n roll and flame shirts

five years later
I sat on a couch
as the n to the r
slithered out of the pale mouth

of the boy who owned it
again and again
like he was regurgitating medusa

his eyes cool
his mouth set like a pitbull in a hammock

I sat
stone and sad
like he was regurgitating medusa

and suddenly I didn't really want to finish the game of halo

and I saw my mom looking at me
and I saw my grandma
and I saw my brother
who in between "faggots"
would remind that "them honkeys
don't care about [me]"

there was a door behind me
and a door in front of me

figuratively

the door behind was maybe also literal
as in, I say "Fuck You." throw the controller
throw open his front screen
get on my bike and ride away
from the white burn of beverly

but what I wanted to prove
was something different than what was inherent
in that scenario

the door in front of me, the silent one, was aubrey's beautiful self
was the big hugs she would give to me
that the other black boys in my class didn't get

because I wore polos not fubu
because I knew who coheed was
because I commented her xanga
because even when the aeropostale
hoodies got a little bit too triangular
I could be counted on to shut the fuck up
and laaaaugh or joooooke


like when later that summer
her fourteen year old lips slurred
"manny, I love you! you...you are a super nigger."

which is close enough of a relative to
the "coolest black person I know" title
that if they fucked the child would have three eyes

"ohh, haha, thanks aubrey. could you give the phone back to josi?"

the next day,
when my parents happened upon her AIM apology
I can't remember anything they said
in the subseqent talk they gave me

so used to immediately, completely
rendering every word blank as pavement
as they charged toward me

I leveled each and every "you need to re-assess your social life",
threw them over my head
with the force of a hopeful, stupid boy ram

and continued pin cushion.

on St Patrick's Day
I rose to shake JJ's dad's hand
he let out a chuckle like a shotgun blast
something like
"UH-OH, HIDE YOUR STUFF
MAKE SURE HE DIDNT STEAL ANYTHING"

My eyes didn't hit the ground fast enough
for me to not see his grin
his "do something, motherfucker."

so I did.
I laughed.
his hand choked mine.

when meghan's neighbor
questioned me as I left out the back door,
tone five steps away from calling the police.

every gun joke
every ape joke
every rape joke

when matt k called me a stupid fucking nigger
because my digital character
shot digital bullets into
his digital character
I shut the fuck up.


Sammy Sosa would rather be a ghost than a shadow.


What we will do to feel loved.

some things last a long time

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QEGTkSyHh8M

we were riding
there was grass
passing along our legs
like hands
coming to feel the life
that was squirming in us
like crisp dollars

we are spinning

I don't know where the dials will land
if I think about it
I will cry again

we are spinning

the wind still makes us smile

we laid on the grass
our lighters, then the fireflies, then the stars

you tucked your heart in deep
there were folds that still spilled out
from time to time

I licked at them
some times you got so cold
and pulled away
taking my taste buds with you

I'd like to think they
were scrappy little things

that crawled around and found places to nestle inside
in corners and closets and drawers
and maybe some times you'll stumble upon them
and think of me

and they'll dance nice or make something good or sing funny
and you'll smile when you think f me

I really hope they didn't crumble to dust

life is tasteless when you're not lit

I grind my teeth when I sleep
I always dream about you

I think, subconsciously, I am trying to
start a fire in my mouth

always looking for the right thing to say
that'll warm your heart

haiku

I have never seen
a commercial where the black
women had straight hair

Homesick, First Semester of College. Changing Them to You, in a Dream.

dear friend

I haven't touched anyone since I got here
and I don't mean fucked

I mean

a flurry of handshakes
and two hugs
are the only tallies for my extremeties

and that's why I cried
in your arms
the last night
before I left

because I knew
it'd be the last chance
to wet someone's shoulder
for a very
long
time

maybe if I was really desperate
I would start making myself
throw up when I drink
that'd do it

someone'd hold me
and carry me up
my pain soaking their sleeve
and I'd be able to tell them
I loved them
and mean it!

it'd be just like home
and they'd take me to bed
and I'd say "stay

lay here with me.

let's
see
if we could have
the same dream"

and they would say
"no.
even if we did

they'd be equations
with different solutions"

I'd say
"your face is at the top of my mountain"

and they'd say
"you are a

pretty high summit!
such a polite summit"

I dream like a dog

you dream like a football game
in Best Buy

and you'd say
"you can't even behold my hues

and I'd say "ya
I only see two colors, duh nigga

but I like them shapes mighty much
and I can smell the God on you
all over you"

and you'd say "I earned this God"
and I'd say "I got a big tongue
and I'd love to use it if you'd let me"

and you'd put your hand on the back of my head,

and pet me.

and my mouth would go dry from lolling so much

and you'd say "you should drink some water"

and I'd say "I'm only thirsty for you!"

and it'd be too late in the night for you to think

that was cute

and you'd say "you should really drink some water. so you won't be so hungover in the morning."

and I'd say "I love you"

and you'd say "I know. You've said that a lot."

and you'd leave.

and I'd say "just like home"

and I'd say "I love you"

and mean it

and it wouldn't change anything

and the door wouldn't move

and I'd say

Just Like Home

walla walla

got a head full of bowling pins big as oaks
slinging tongues packed tight as snow at em
hard as I can
keep getting the wrong kinds
of strikes


my eyes roll around
like a chamber of blanks
rotating, click
rotate, click
rotate, click?
rotate, click?
like,
"I -swear- we clicked"

my eyes roll around and over You
like the ghost from a dull yellow lantern
hand-to-glassing the white spotlight
showering your head

my eyes send out beams
that waver on your ever-present back side
looking like trembling fading stains

I spit game
in a thunderstorm

the plates spin around

the plates fall in a chorus of
"nigga, please"

everyone is strangely beautiful if you love them enough

so sick of your heart winking at me
a dirty spiked red light

but not like sick like anything on wheels

but sick like a man on a raft
sick like a man who'll stop stroking toward mirage
when we get some real fucking meat in this place

sick like waiting for it to get up and walk through
the smoke to you
because it's all you've got
so if that don't make it
then why not burn

sick like waking up
still has my hands just as empty

at least these walls have color
when I'm sleeping

I tripped again.

my posture is all fucked up

I tripped again.

keep

fucking

tripping

I guess I ain't got it in me
to change the way I walk

I think I just been hoping
that the street will blink first

make itself smooth as my young tongue
don't it know what I got loaded?

lol do I?

ca lick

Hold Down

http://www.zshare.net/audio/673532225f761ffc/

At the end of days
I lay with your hands
in my mind
but not in mine

cant stand this

I thought
I could fuck
your heart
and its rings
into my fingers

I thought
way too much
wanted to dress the cover
not a spineless page

I'm soft
against your back

I'm lost
against your back


I light myself up for you
cant just keep it cool


givin yr heart to wild things
the more you do, the stronger

Caterpillar Playground

I'ma put my heart in a box
peel the skin till
the shock screams STOP
till the blood loss
and the time lost
forces me into the Can't No More
until then I'ma bore into the floor
with my tongue till somethin comes running up
back to me
hopefully claps and "ee!"s
if not I got a million of these
till I can crack the key

every friggin time I do some shit
I wanna do somethin
nobody's ever listened
to before
the problem is
uhh nobody listens
except maybe friends

but I can take it on the chin
which, by the way, is a cleft,
which by the way means it looks like an ass
so I'm gon keep shootin shit out my cheeks/lips
till there's nothing left
and my heart aint missed a step yet

and I got aint a inch of regret
cauz this baby engine just begs to be revved
and never forgets
I'm six albums deep
and I'm just now cracking my neck

I hope I hope
I hope I hope


the first time I heard Kid Cudi
I was kinda feelin buddy
secrelty like "Damn,
I hope this man don't
steal my fans" cuz at
first glance, shit
I like ratatat
I like MGMT
and emotion and cloudy synths
but the more I heard dude
lyrics wuh no diss
but our motives are much different
still every time I see a toe slide in my lane
it loose up somethin in my brain like
"baby it's time to go"
like it's The Road
and I'm carryin the fire
cant let nobody get me got
run my niche, inhabit my trench
nah
I'ma dig I'ma dig I'ma dig till I rot
I'ma griot I'ma blank clock
meaning I ain't got no time
to fuck around on path
that's already beatin
I'onn wanna repeat nothin
Germaphobe
nah I aint touchin
anything if already got
fingerprints
unless I'ma take those rings apart
flip em upside down
change the color

make a mark
make a mark
that's all I wanna do
make a mark

http://www.zshare.net/audio/66968438ff506017/
www.myspace.com/nurses